"The Illusionist"

Directed by Neil Burger
USA, 2006

Bad facial hair (Edward Norton), bad acting (Paul Giamatti), really bad acting (Rufus Sewell). This chili cheese dog of a movie (directed by a Burger!) is so much fucking better than The Prestige that I'm not even gonna dwell on how much Jessica Biel's lovely pillow-like lips make me want to curl up and take a nap with her, the little minx. Now if Friday's David Copperfield warehouse investigation would only speed up and lead to an arrest already, this would truly be a great weekend for magic.

The New Belle and Sebastian -- Do You Like It?

Dear Readers,

I recently noticed that air guitar champion Ochi Dainoji Yosuke has basically ripped off Jack Black's classic Barry character from High Fidelity. There is more than a striking resemblance to their attire and jovial demeanor. As evidence, I submit both the tiger shirt pictures and two videos of each person in action. Judge for yourselves and submit an opinion vote on the right hand side of the page. Results will be posted shortly.

-TRM

Ochi Dainoji Yosuke at the 2007 Air Guitar Championship


Jack Black as Barry -- On a Monday Morning!

Fantasy Football: O.J. vs. Jack the Ripper

Since O.J. Simpson has just added another felony arrest to his long resume of questionable activities, our Sports Department has decided that now's as good a time as any to file a report on the startling similarities between the Juice and Saucy Jack:

#1) O.J. won the Heisman trophy playing for a school known as USC; Jack the Ripper became notorious after a killing spree in the has-been colonial empire known as the U.K.
#2) Link Wray once wrote an instrumental song called "Jack the Ripper"; O.J. often appears in public wearing Ray-Ban sunglasses
#3) Many of the Ripper's killings took place in the area of London known as Whitechapel; one of the running backs who followed in Simpson's footsteps at "Tailback U" was named Charles White
#4) Orenthal James is sometimes called "the Juice" for his breakfast beverage initials of O.J.; it's well known that British people always like orange marmalade on their scones and crumpets when they break for high tea
#5) Jack the Ripper was notorious for killing prostitutes; many people thought that Kato Kaelin actually looked like a male prostitute
#6) In addition to his Hertz commercials, O.J. also appeared in such forgettable ventures as The Towering Inferno and Dragnet 1967; if the Lumiere brothers had invented film by that time, you would have found out that Jack probably couldn't act either
#7) After a jury let him off the hook for the alleged murder of his ex-wife, Simpson was quoted as saying that he would never rest until the "real" murderer was caught and punished; Jack the Ripper never turned himself in either, but he might have spent more time on the croquet course than the putting green for all we know at this point.

Nimrod's Son or Why the Pixies Reunion was Better than the one the Smashing Pumpkins are Embarking On

Dear Readers,

Today I'd like to discuss my overall dissatisfaction with the Smashing Pumpkins "reunion" and compare it with the way The Pixies handled it -- a band that did it right. Allow me to give you 10 reasons why.

1. The Pixies didn't release any new material to jam down our collective throats.
2. All members of the Pixies showed up -- even though they don't completely get along.
3. The Pixies have a ton of good songs that people know and quite a few lesser known gems in their catalog .
4. The Pixies setlists were varied from show to show. This is a real bonus for a fan going to multiple shows.
5. The Pixies sold professionally recorded copies of their concerts on CD for a reasonable price.
6. Ticket prices for The Pixies were also reasonable -- even if it was in an arena.
7. Austin City Limits showed them on PBS for free during their tour -- take that Australian Pink Floyd!
8. The Newport Folk Festival had the Pixies as headliners. The Pumpkins would never be welcome.
9. The Pixies released three concert DVDs and contributed to one documentary during their tour. All are high quality.
10. The Pixies weren't annoying.

If you think this sounds like Pumpkins heresy -- it is. I have been listening and watching Pumpkins shows since the reunion, and while the stuff is slightly interesting it is definitely lacking something special. Here's a few reasons why:

1. I recently read that the replacement band members kind of look like the original ones if you squint while watching them on stage. It actually works.
2. I'd think this was less of a business move if I hadn't read that Billy Corgan walked off stage when people would ask for old songs when he toured with his solo album.
3. The set lists are almost identical from show to show.
4. A lot of the new album sounds like repackaged stuff from Billy's solo album.
5. The old songs on the setlists are boring.

So, if you're planning on seeing a retro music group from the 90's -- you'll have to wait for The Pixies do it again, or track down one of their cheap concert DVDs. You won't be disappointed.

-TRM

Opera Oasis Lost

Luciano Pavarotti, the "King of the High C's," died three days ago at the age of 71. This is a sad event, and the loss of probably the most important figure in the opera rock movement since Freddie Mercury. I mean to write a fitting post to celebrate this great figure once I polish off another bowl of my beloved spaghetti alla carbonara. So get off my freakin' back!

Respectfully submitted,
Z's ammiratore

P.S. Don't a piss-a me off!!

The El Duce-Cobain Connection

Paul David Hewson. Dave Matthews. Gordon Sumner. Is it any wonder that the youth of today are subjected to such bland music when even the musicians themselves have such vanilla names? Not convinced yet, elitist fraternity scumbag I-Pod shuffler? Well, how about these handles from the days when the music mattered?

#10) Jane Drano (pre-mersh Go-Gos)
#9) Richard Hell (Voidoids)
#8) Sue Catwoman (fan)
#7) John Doe (X)
#6) Hellin Killer (fan)
#5) Tomata du Plenty (Screamers)
#4) Poly Styrene (X-Ray Spex)
#3) Kid Congo Powers (Cramps, Gun Club)
#2) Lorna Doom (Germs)
#1) Glen Matlock (pre-Sid Vicious Sex Pistols)

Sorry, but D.J. Bonebrake (X) and Feargal Sharkey (Undertones) had to be left off the list for legal reasons (i.e. those are real names).

Loser Research Foundation

Dear Readers,

Just a quick one today. It has come to my attention that Roy Shildt (AKA Mr. Awesome) of King of Kong fame is in fact on You Tube. Check this video out for a laugh.

Your friend in Missle Command,

-TRM

Elitist Fraternity Scumbag

Dear Readers,

I've been meaning to write something about today's topic for many years, and finally decided to post this idea today. In the world of bad/classic 80's films, many people think of these typical John Hughes films -- The Breakfast Club (yawn), Sixteen Candles (or what I'm willing to watch for some serious date payback), (the highly overrated) Ferris Bueller, and Pretty In Pink (or what I'm not willing to watch for any payback -- Fuck Duckie). Said simply, these films suck. They all espouse some cheap philosophical chicanery that only gullible teenagers could find enlightenment in. Oh, if only we could all pretend to be Abe Froman the sausage king of Chicago for a day (I'm looking at you Broderick!), right?

Well, I have an alternative list of bad/classic 80's films that I would like to talk about today. Personally, I have to laugh every time I see or think of these four films, and not for obvious reasons. The films are Back to School, The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, and European Vacation. Welcome to Zabka-Fest '07!



Each of these movies has William "Billy" Zabka as the bad guy -- you know, the blond haired dude with the attitude who was always the school bully. Everyone knows who he was in the Karate Kid -- Johnny, the guy who causes all the trouble for Daniel. However, I always felt his best performance was when he played Chas Osborne in Back to School. It is easily the most annoying character ever created! Some people commonly think he was also in Better Off Dead, but that was a different actor playing the part of Roy Stalin. Zabka would have pulled this part off perfectly as well, but alas he did not co-star in this masterpiece.

Amazingly, someone has put together a video montage of Zabka's 80's exploits on YouTube, but unfortunately it is missing all the great dialog because it is overdubbed with this awful song written about the Karate Kid. Oddly enough, Zabka actually wrote and directed the video of the same song, and cast himself in it as a Raising Arizona knockoff. It is kind of nice to know the dude has a sense of humor -- I guess it sucks being typecast. In the video he even gets run over by the real Ralph Macchio. As a side note, he actually co-wrote a short film that was nominated for an Oscar in 2003.

By the way, the best lines ever uttered in Back to School are actually listed in the memorable quotes section of the Internet Movie Database, and I wanted to include it here.

Chas: [limping off the diving board ] I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week.
Jason Melon: It's probably menstrual.
Chas: Screw you, Melon!

I'm serious. This is really funny. So when you're looking for real enlightenment, just throw in Rodney and Back to School, and I guarantee you'll laugh every time Chas gets pissed off. They should make that into a drinking game!

-TRM

"Little Dieter Needs to Fly"

Directed by Werner Herzog
USA, 1997

I love almost all the Herzog films I've seen so far, but I decided to skip the recent Rescue Dawn after finding out it was only a remake of one of the filmmaker's earlier docs. While I'm still not really interested in seeing Hollywood actors "interpret" this story, I gotta say that Little Dieter Needs to Fly--the director's original take on the material--makes me wonder whether I made the right choice. Excellent 75-minute jobber (part of the ace 2004 Werner Herzog Collection on Anchor Bay Entertainment) follows subject/protagonist Dieter Dengler to hell and back from a WWII childhood spent being bombed by allied warplanes, on to a postwar Germany where the poor were reduced to eating boiled wallpaper for the nutrients in the paste, over to the U.S. for a teenage relocation and eventual citizenship--and almost immediately into POW status after being shot down over Laos for his new country in 1966. While no Woody Harrelson-lookalikes get eaten onscreen by bears here, the riveting true story of Dengler's incredible jungle escape, miraculous avoidance of an early death at every turn, and subsequent lust for life (above all, for the freedom of flying) is yet more proof that Herzog is the man when it comes to making an oddly affecting documentary. Yeah.

10 Album Titles I Wish I Had Thunk Up

#11) Hoodoo Gurus-Magnum Cum Louder
#10) Ciccone Youth-The Whitey Album
#9) Peetie Wheatstraw-The Devil's Son-in-Law (1931-1941)
#8) Various Artists-Rockabilly Psychosis and the Garage Disease
#7) Pussy Galore-Dial 'M' for Motherfucker
#6) R.L. Burnside-A Ass Pocket of Whiskey
#5) The Beasts of Bourbon-The Axeman's Jazz
#4) Velvet Underground-The Psychopath's Rolling Stones
#3) Black Randy and the Metrosquad-Pass the Dust, I Think I'm Bowie
#2) Killdozer-Intellectuals Are the Shoeshine Boys of the Ruling Elite
#1) Peach of Immortality-"Jehovah," My Black Ass--R.E.M. Is Air Supply!

Punk Paradise Lost

Hilly Kristal died yesterday at the age of 75. This is a sad event, and the loss of probably the most important figure in the punk rock movement. I plan to write a fitting post to celebrate this great figure. So get off my freakin' back!

Respectfully submitted,
Z

When Pigs Fly or "You've got to be crazy..."

Dear Readers,

Today I am sad on two fronts that are related to the same topic. Last night, I witnessed a television atrocity when PBS -- my friend, and yours -- aired Australian Pink Floyd. I know what you're thinking -- Red Man, don't you like Pink Floyd? The answer is yes, but there are a few things you should keep in mind. First, I also used to watch the Facts of Life regularly -- even the episodes with Patty Duke's non-hobbit kid and George Clooney who played the character George (big stretch). The point I'm trying to make is that things change (I now know that Minor Threat could kick the shit out of David Gilmour and that's the way I likes it). Second, I've always been a bit shocked at how The Pink Floyd (nod to R-Lo) used to make records about how much they hated the music industry (e.g. Wish You Were Here, The Wall, Animals), but continue to suck every last dollar out of the system -- at least the Rolling Stones tour (to be fair Roger Waters still tours and has a fairly good supporting band). However, how many bands have a cover band play at the Royal Albert Hall, film it, and get it shown on PBS? Plus, it is an exact ripoff of the original music, and not like Minor Threat beating the shit out of Steppin' Stone by the illustrious Monkeys (Take that Davey Jones!). I guess the laser Floyd revenue wasn't enough, right? The absolute worst part is that they're playing Division Bell material in with the classics. Those songs were so bad that even the Gilmour, Mason, Wright -- the burnout trifecta -- version of the band that toured in 1994 didn't play much of them. I guess they were big hits down under just like that Gwenneth Paltrow/Huey Lewis duet from that movie no one saw and sparked the karaoke revolution.

My suggestion, the Aussies need to stick with what they're good at -- Crocodile Dundee, Dame Edna, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, and Puppetry of the Penis. Since I'm not going to be able to cure PBS's predilection for bad music I have a few concepts that may catch on with their music loving population.


Yuppie Jimi Hendrix


Ameri-Yanni


Jethro Dull - A Kenny G. tribute to Jethro Tull


Pearl Jam

With sincere apologies to Austin City Limits,

-TRM

Hammer of the Blues

Dear Readers,

I just wanted to post this very cynical video link, and say that Ghost World might be one of the greatest indie films of all time (back when that meant something).

Blues Hammer

Enjoy the authentic music.

Also, check this out for a serious laugh.

No shirt, no service.

-TRM

Owen Wilson - A Life Remembered

Dear Readers,

How awesome is this -- the Wikipedia has already published all the undisclosed information regarding Owen Wilson's unconfirmed suicide attempt. Since the details are sparse, I'm going to hazard a guess as to why he tried to take his life -- his brother's performance in My Super Ex-Girlfriend. This might be one of the worst films I've ever indirectly paid for. So I wanted to thank HBO for keeping this one away from Telemundo (dios mio), and proving to me that Ivan Reitman hasn't done anything good since Ghostbusters. Eddie Izzard, what were you thinking?

Back to Owen. The Associated Press is also reporting that this will not hurt his career (too bad since I can't remember a movie I liked him in -- or -- what will Jackie Chan do? -- or what will Ben Stiller do?), which is really helpful in this situation considering he needs to promote his new Wes Anderson film. Perhaps the additional PR will give him a contractual out for doing Conan. Secretly, I'm still hoping he'll play Derek Lowe in the 2004 Red Sox movie.

.

Faithfully yours,

-TRM

"The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters"

Directed by Seth Gordon
USA, 2007

The Red Man and I left our wives at home to go see this last night, a smart move since documentaries about the competitive world of retro arcade gaming are prob. best viewed with a "courtesy seat" left in between all paying customers...an insanely funny look at the quest to establish a new Donkey Kong record, Kong follows the classic Hands on a Hardbody competition-as-morality tale formula but with way more laughs and an even bigger cast of real life nutjobs...calling this the Shoa of American Movie-style retardo docs might be a bit of a stretch even for me, but this thing ought to win some kind of award if only for Roy Shildt's mercurial transformation from unacknowledged ex-Missile Command high scorer into stud alter-ego Mr. Awesome: an auteur specializing in grainy how-to videos dedicated to scoring "a gnarly piece of poontang." A fine treat for nerds and non-gamers alike!

Ditched at Birth

Dear Readers,

After much soul searching, I have decided to reveal a secret that I have been living with for quite some time. After watching an old classic Star Trek episode long ago, I realized that Billy Corgan, from such bands as The Marked, Zwan, Starchildren, and the Smashing Pumpkins is in fact the fake alien Baylock from the Corbomite Maneuver. I realize this may come as a shock to many of you, but when you think about it this really makes sense. I'm fairly certain that Billy is controlled by a small childlike creature with an overdubbed man voice (preferably played by Clint Howard -- Ron's brother) . So don't fear the Baylock/Corgan creature, embrace it, and have a drink of Tranya. For those of you who have not seen this Star Trek episode -- it's a fucking riot.

-TRM

Swinging TV

Dear Readers,

While browsing the Times late last week, I found another story that really intrigued me. It appears that the New York International Fringe Festival is currently presenting a play about Hillary Clinton being President. What I love about this particular stage drama is that Hillary is being played by Priscilla Barnes of Three's Company fame. This brings a few things to mind that I'd like to talk a little about.

Before I start I'd like to preemptively state that I fully support women running for President, even though I am not completely happy that Hillary is the Democratic front runner. To be perfectly honest, I'd prefer to see someone other than a Bush or Clinton in the White House. It is definitely a good time for some new ideas, and we don't need another lesson in Monica studies. OK, with that out of the way, I'll get started.

First, my congratulations to Priscilla Barnes. I was absolutely shocked to read that she is currently performing in somewhat serious theater. I honestly expected that if she was still acting that it would have been in a dinner theater in Boca Raton where they regularly perform an all female version of 1776. You haven't lived until you've seen their John Hancock. The last time I saw Ms. Barnes was in a part was in Kevin Smith's Mallrats, and thought her cameo was great if not unexpectedly revealing as a topless fortune teller. It had a Sharon Stone slumming it kind of feeling, which current cinema could use a lot more of.

In finding out that Ms. Barnes is playing Hillary, I started to wonder (using the associative property in mathematics) who Hillary might have been cast as had she been given a role in Three's Company. My conclusion was that she would be Larry's unseen wife (for the young readers Larry was a swinging guy who had a mostly unbuttoned shirt, plenty of chest hair, and not above the occasional key party). Now, I know what you're thinking, Larry didn't have a wife -- he was too busy trying to score with twin stewardesses, right? Well, it just so happens that (in my mind) he had a bit too much to drink one night at the Regal Beagle, and while trying to put the moves on one of the regulars his eye caught this bookish law student sitting alone. Apparently, she just got into a fight with her ex-boyfriend, a chap named Willie Jeff, and decided to move her studies to the local drinking hole. Larry provided a shoulder to cry on and a few fruity cocktails as well. Needless to say, the charm worked, and they went back to his place to consummate their newly established relationship where he promptly gave her the clap. Or at least that's what she thought she heard while Larry was talking to Jack in the other room. As it turns out they were really talking about how Larry got a clap from Janet when he mistakenly fell on Crissy. Hillary then forced him to marry her, and had it annulled when she discovered that he was romantically involved with Mr. Furley. This was followed by a shot of Mr. Roper (Norman Fell) directly looking into the camera and smiling.

Classic.

Three Blues and an Explosion

by R-Lo

Over drinks one night, this otherwise-sensible Buffalonian I know once tried to explain away an embarrassing case of Clapton-worship by suggesting that the only reason I didn’t like the guy was because “you only like traditional blues, R-Lo.” Although that prevent defense of a comment was as easy to score on as playing a game of doubles handball off Vince Vaughn’s enormodome of a forehead, I hereby submit three additional pieces of evidence to prove that Buffalo wings-breath was wrong. Take it away, Maestro!

* T-Model Ford, “Chicken Head Man” (She Ain’t None of Your’n CD, 2000)

T-Model was certainly old, black and from Mississippi when he recorded this paragon of praise to the lowly chicken McNugget, but other than those three stereotypes not even an overly-reverential NPR dj could ever point to anything here that could even faintly be regarded as “traditional.” I actually have absolutely no idea what the guy’s singing about at any point in time on this, but hearing T-Model and his drummer beat this one-chord riff into the ground crackhead-style is way more mesmerizing than mere words can do justice to. Note to racial profilers: makes Eric Clapton sound like a bearded white guy!

* The Gun Club, “Preaching the Blues” (Fire of Love LP, 1981)

The White Stripes used to cover another Gun Club tune off this very same album, but don’t let those overrated Zeppelin-lovers’ one moment of accidental good taste get in the way of your enjoyment of this. A high-octane rewrite of the Robert Johnson song of the same name, this way non-trad slice of slide guitar mayhem pretty much feels up the blues in the same way the Cramps used to fuck up rockabilly. “Fun with trivia” department: Band reportedly once set their monitors on fire at a show through deliberate use of excessive feedback!!

* The Oblivians, “Viet Nam War Blues” (Soul Food CD, 1995)

One of the best songs from one of the best albums from one of the best bands ever. I don’t think I know any Lightnin’ Hopkins fans these days, but I’m sure our friendship would end immediately if they ever heard this monumentally raunchy trashing of the Texas songster’s Tet Offensive-era protest tune. So the next time you hear some Claptonesque poser and want to kill that smooth blues hero of the soccer mom set, don’t fret because the Oblivians have provided 2:37 worth of rock ‘n’ roll napalm for your one-man air war. Sometimes you have to torch a village to save it, etc. Boom!!!

30 Years and Countless Tears

It was 30 years ago today that the news came down from a small Memphis radio station, The King is Dead...

That was August 16, 1977. I was about to turn 8 years old. But, I was old enough to understand that we lost a legend and a treasure. When my neighbor Mrs. Judy was in tears for three days, I understood. When the news spoke of nothing else for a week, I understood. And when I, as an 8 year old felt as if I had lost a grandfather, everyone around me understood.

If you are laughing now, I expected it. But consider this, without even metioning his name yet, you already know who I am talking about.

Elvis changed the world for all of us. If you are a fan of popular music, you owe a debt of gratitude to Elvis. Yes, since his death there have been an increasing magnitude of jokes and jabs aimed at the King. Admittedly, this is in no small part due to his own doing and the charactor he created in his final years. But you all know that the King that died on the thrown that day, as fat and flawed as he was, still had inside him the greatness that changed the world.

If you still don't beleive that Elvis was the most important entertainer of the last Century, take this little quiz. Without the aid of that interweb thing, tell me the date any of the following died:

Frank Sinatra
Ray Charles
James Brown (many of you may have known this one, but afterall, it was Christmas Day, and it was just last year.)
Marilyn Monroe
Louis Armstrong
Count Bassie
Johnny Carson
even, John Lennon...

Hmm...

AMC, TCM, CMT, Spike and every major network news broadcast will have a tribute today, as they have every August 16th since 1978. Who else does this happen for?

Forget about the jumpsuits, the peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love, and listen to the compilation "Elvis at Sun". You will thank me, and you will miss Elvis too.

Respectfully submitted,
Z

PS - Don't Piss me off!!

Intelligent Design? or Hey, Hey, We're the Monkeys.

Dear Readers,

I recently read online that the Cavemen TV show that is set to premiere on ABC shortly is causing quite a bit of controversy. You know the commercials, well now those clueless cromagnons from Geico now have a half hour sitcom. Apparently, there are quite a few people out there who think the concept comes across as racist and not just unfunny (as expected).

Now, I'm not writing about this because of network insensitivity towards minorities (in this instance it is a stretch to say the least -- unless Imus is the first guest star), but rather because I am shocked that a network would purchase the rights of an advertising concept to create a show -- granted, the Monkees were pretty fucking close (even Mike Nesmith knew that). So, I have decided to suggest a few other shows based on advertisements.

Tony The Tiger from Frosted Flakes - Tony "The Tiger" Thompson is a former teacher who becomes a Miami drug dealer, gets busted, and has to teach English to juvenile delinquents as part of his plea bargain. The title: Alliteration Nation - Tony the Tiger Totally Tries to Teach Teenagers to Traverse Tumultuous Travails.

Toucan Sam from Froot Loops - "Toucan" Samuel Diego is a Panamanian drug lord competing with other crime syndicates to be the largest supplier of Cocaine in North America. The show will be called Subbacultcha based loosely on the Pixies song.

The Pillsbury Doughboy - Everyone's favorite raw chef will star in either a genre splice where he is a vampire detective named John "Crescent" Roll who only fights crime at night due to his obvious albino-like skin condition entitled Bad Crescent Rising, or as an up and coming porn actor named John Dough tentatively called Glaze or potentially the more subversive Hot Cross Buns.

Joe Camel - Will play an out of work actor willing to do anything to make it as a sugar cereal spokesman. The show will be produced by HBO and is titled 53rd & 3rd named after Deedee Ramone's autobiographical song. Unfortunately, Deedee's rap song was the only tune available for the soundtrack. Lindsey Lohan is attached to be the sidekick. For a laugh, click on the Dee Dee Rap.

-TRM