Less Crappy Than "Crash," Not as Famous as "A Few Good Men"

In the Valley of Elah (2008 DVD)
Directed by Paul Haggis
USA, 2007

In the Valley of Elah is way less crappy than Crash was, perhaps because the acting "talents" of Sandra Bullock and Brendan Fraser weren't available for this film. While leads Tommy Lee Jones and Charlize Theron struggle valiantly to rise above the pitfalls in the script, in the end their performances are mostly wasted since the second half of the movie turns into a pedestrian murder mystery as lame and superficial as one of Dr. Demented's TV posts. I'm guessing that many of you already know that "war can fuck with your head," but those who don't can step right up to have that point hammered into your heads with Spielbergian insistency from a director who honed his writing chops on such quality fare as Walker, Texas Ranger and The Facts of Life. Look it up, I shit you not. IVDM plot keywords: Male Chauvinism, Spielbergian Mallet, Stripper, Tom Cruise & Demi Moore & Jack Nicholson Movies, Two Upside Down American Flags, Not Good.

Culture Warriors Come Out to Play or Why Eighties TV is a Militant Fuck-Squad Sent to Mess with Your Head

"Too Eighties!" -- H.J. Simpson

Dear Readers,

I can honestly say that I feel sad for anyone that idolizes the punishment that is known as 80's TV. While I'd like to directly respond to my friend the Doctor's assertion that Sledge Hammer and Miami Vice were quality TV shows, I have instead decided that I will do my fan base a favor and quickly cover all his upcoming posts in an effort to thwart his master plan of franchising vomitoriums tentatively named Up-Bucks (editor's note: Dictionary.com actually said I'm using this inaccurately -- but you get the picture). So, without further fanfare I give you The Red Man's predictions for the Doctor's upcoming TV posts:

1. Double Trouble - 1984 series that lasted 16 episodes about twin sisters. These cuties were straight out of a Doublemint gum commercial, and right into R-Lo's wheelhouse (oddly enough they were little too old for Z). The Doctor's take on this one -- great show that would have gotten him through puberty had it lasted just a few more episodes.

2. Jennifer Slept Here -This show briefly ran from 1983 to 1984, and was about a house that a dead woman's ghost inhabited. Supposedly inspired by the film Poltergeist, this awful sitcom actually cracked the top 20 -- you gotta love Reaganomics and Oingo Boingo. The Doctor'll sell you on how inventive the plot was, and the inspired casting of Ann Jillian.

3. Golden Girls - Best remembered for the Doctor's first love -- Rue McClanahan. Be happy I spared you from Bea Arthur.

4. Facts of Life - Technically started in 1979, most will remember this important series as an 80's show. While it launched Clooney's career towards the end (you doubt my veracity?), the Doctor best remembers it for his second love -- Nancy McKeon as Jo.

5. The Love Boat - The Doctor's favorite bedtime soap opera. "I wonder what hijinks Gopher will get into tonight!"

Well, that's about it for this post. I'm sure I've sickened you faster than free Arby's at an Orny show. Other 80's shows that didn't make the cut but might be the subject of future posts are Mama's Family, The Land of the Lost, and the TV movie Ernest Goes to Borgnine. I didn't want you to think I might have missed something.

-TRM

When Red States Were Cool, Daddy-o

John Lennon might've been the dirtiest hippie there ever was outside of the Grateful Dead's fatassed inner circle and maybe Pearl Jam roadies, but even he knew greatness when he heard it, covering two or three Arthur Alexander songs during his tenure in that undeservedly famous boy band of his from Liverpool. The Alabaman Alexander (1940-1993) is sometimes said to have been the only songwriter ever covered by the Beatles, the Stones, Bob Dylan and Elvis, but I wouldn't blame the guy too much for that since you can already hear the actual suffering in his voice. Anyway, as a sort of a sonic palate-cleanser for anyone out there still smarting from the Red Man's last burnout-laden post, here is reason # infinity why soul used to be called soulful: the magnificent "Soldier of Love." Enjoy.

ARTHUR ALEXANDER-"Soldier of Love" (1961)