German Expressionism Collection #2

The Hands of Orlac (2008 DVD)
Directed by Robert Wiene
Austria, 1924

Until recently unknown to all but hep People's Enlightenment and Propaganda minister Doktor Demented and the other Access Hollywood enthusiasts in his immediate family, The Hands of Orlac was actually the prototype for the psycho-sexual subgenre in which an acclaimed concert pianist loses both hands in a horrific accident, gets new mitts transplanted from a recently-executed murderer's corpse, and then suffers bad thoughts and spectral visitations galore when he realizes that he can't mack on his special lady friend with non-criminal paws anymore. If not quite as "writhing with sexual innuendo and Freudian imagery" as the good folks at Kino promise, der DVD is still an eminently watchable genre film with a couple of cool characters (incl. one walking around with a visible guillotine wound across his throat!) and a spectacular night-time train wreck scene seemingly shot by torchlight (take that, modern special effects whizzes!). As an added bonus, Herr Conrad Veidt's unfortunately-coiffed, reptilian Orlac never once mentions either Orny Adams or David Cross despite line after line of sexually-ambiguous "dialogue." (http://www.kino.com/)

The trailer for 1935's Orlac-inspired Mad Love.

German Expressionism Collection #1

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2008 DVD)

Directed by Robert Wiene

Germany, 1919

Although I hate to interrupt our other bloggers' continuous celebration of bald comedians and hirsute Big Lebowski lookalikes, I wanted to send out a telepathic high five to anyone and everyone at Kino International for the great German Expressionism Collection four-DVD box set they just put out this month. To be honest, I've only really watched The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari so far; however, finally getting to see this silent film masterpiece Saturday after years of avoiding it for no good reason would've been worth the $59.99 price of admission all by its lonesome.

I'm not going to bother reviewing the film in depth because you can find plenty of that shite elsewhere, Jack. As many of you already know, it's a frame story about a string of killings that involves a traveling village fair, a crazed Freud-like doctor, his henchman/sleepwalking patient Cesare, and various other characters seemingly straight out of the loony bin. The anti-authoritarian action unfolds in a relatively brief and delirious 75 minutes, and I'll bet top dollar that you'll feel that you got your money's worth from both the acting (exaggerated for effect, natch) and the script (handsomely translated into a simple English that even people who date roller derby girls should be able to follow).

While silent film hottie Lil Dagover is absolutely luscious jackson in the role of the somnambulist bait, the true beauty in the film is the set itself. I don't know how much Hermann Warm, Walter Reimann, and Walter Röhrig were paid for their art direction or how much Willie Hameister earned for his cinematography, but they were all clearly tremendously underpaid. Wiene's ghostly world of odd geometric shapes, angular architecture, and beautiful shadows is truly dreamlike, and I don't mean that dimestore surrealism of modern directors who lamely try and inject "mood" into their films by putting sub-new wave crap like Oingo Boingo on their sorry-ass soundtracks. In other words, fuck Danny Elfman and the horse he rode in on and long live The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari!

( http://www.kino.com/ )

The Name Says It All

Dear R-Lo,

Are you really surprised that In the Valley of Ellah was a so-so film? The director's name says it all: Paul HAGGIS -- a Scottish dish with variable recipes, most of which have in common the following ingredients: sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours.

Oddly enough, that still doesn't properly explain that shit film Crash, but it does clarify the casting of Sandra Bullock.

-TRM

Shark Sandwich or Why Google Matters Part I

Dear Readers,

What the fuck is going on around here? It is hard to imagine, but looks to be an absolute fact that comics and their management companies have a lot of time on their hands. For those of you unaware of what I'm talking about, the blessed Doctor received yet another seemingly real response to a posting -- this time from the original Gallagher's promotion crew. So I have to ask -- is there some Google search engine that allows comedic hacks to search for anything new about themselves online? The odds must be pretty long for both Gallagher and Orny Adams to find The Doctor's IVDM half-assed kneepad-Lewinsky-suckfest pulled straight from Wikipedia within 24 hours of posting (I shit you not), but here we are in this Freakonomics twilight zone I call "the now". I guess this means Michael Richards' people are just about finished reading the hate blogs, and are ready to pitch some new ideas to the Transylvania 6500 star (hopefully with filming locations in Watts, Compton, D.C., and Harlem -- call it the 2008 Apology Tour).

So, to properly combat The Doctor's satire taken for honesty, I'd like to mention an actual comedic genius that I would like to thank right here. Marc Maron is easily one of the best comics out there today. I recently purchased his two albums off of ITunes, and found them to be really funny. His book Jerusalem Syndrome is also a great read, and was given to me as a gift a few years ago. It still sits in my bookshelf today. So Marc, if you or your agent is reading this -- thanks for the great work. I've even posted a solid YouTube clip for those of you who have never seen his act.

Sincerely,

-TRM

Chipmunk Punked

Dear Readers,

The doctor did, in fact, unveil the dark secret that David Cross was indeed a cast member of the critically annihilated Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. I have known about this for some time, and was actually hoping Cross was using the proceeds to put out a great stand-up album. I'm still hanging in there, but admit this is a serious blow to my standing in the taste department. So Mr. Cross, I'm begging you not to become a guilty pleasure as I have been looking down on so many people for not getting Mr. Show.

In his defense, Cross is not the first person to get hoodwinked by the Chipmunk brand.

-TRM

Track Listing

1. "Call Me" (D. Harry/G. Moroder) – 3:11
2. "Refugee" (T. Petty/M. Campbell) – 3:07
3. "Frustrated" (D. Fieger/B. Averre) – 2:54
4. "You May Be Right" (W. M. Joel) – 4:03
5. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" (F. Mercury) – 2:47
6. "My Sharona" (D. Fieger/B. Averre) – 4:03
7. "How Do I Make You...?" (B. Steinberg) – 2:23
8. "Good Girls Don't" (D. Fieger) – 3:13
9. "Let's Go" (R. Ocasek) – 3:35

Obviously You Are Not A Golfer

Julian Schnabel on his way to meet Walter and Donnie at Lebowski Fest '08. All arrangements were booked on his Ralph's card.