The Prids

On a recent trip to Portland, OR, my librarians and I were sitting in a bar when we met Maile, the keyboard player, and newest member of the Prids. We had a wonderful time hanging out with her and her friends, sharing drinks and talking Punk Rock. Maile is several years younger then my crowd, but Punk Rock unites! To quote our heroine of this particular post, "I don't care that you guys are old, you are totally cool." Believe me Maile, we'll take the compliment. We think you're pretty neat too.

Maile was totally excited about a California tour that was going to start later that week, and was trying to convince my Bay Area librarians to see their show. Unfortunately I was shocked to find out that the tour was cut short by a horrible accident, as their van blew a tire and they were all injured to various degrees. Rumor has it that they have all survived and have been released from the hospital, thank Christ. But, as is often the case, kids in bands don't have health insurance, and these kids have some serious injuries. So, I ask you to consider visiting their website theprids.com. There you will find a link to donate, to help with medical expenses. I was heartened to find that there are kids like Maile to keep punk rock alive for her generation, as well as us old farts. So, I'm donating.

And Maile, I think I can speak for my librarians when I say we all loved meeting you, we all hope you get better soon, and keep rockin out.

Love,
Z

PS - The attached video of the Prids is prior to Maile's tenure in the band, but ironicaly and surprisingly features an old college friend of mine dancing in the video. He's the guy after the blond, following the two punks slamming.

Family Guy Hall of Fame

Mcconaughey! Need I say more?

-TRM

The Most Dangerous Game

The Most Dangerous Game (1999 DVD)
Directed by Ernest B. Schoedsack and Irving Pichel
USA, 1932
In English

I hadn't seen this movie since I was a kid, but I became super interested in seeing it again after it was mentioned a couple of times in David Fincher's riveting 2007 true crime epic Zodiac. Oft considered something of a dress rehearsal for King Kong both because of the people involved and its use of that cool Kong set, The Most Dangerous Game takes a genuinely creepy idea--man hunting man for sport--from Richard Connell's prize-winning short story, throws in some creaky anthropological observations about civilization and savages, and then milks the subject for all the entertainment value it's worth. Joel McCrea is OK in his starring role as American sportsman-turned-survivalist Bob Rainsford and Fay Wray is sufficiently swoon-worthy as the damsel in distress/jungle eye candy Eve Trowbridge, but it's Leslie Banks' crazy Count Zaroff who gets all the juicy lines and close-ups in this game of island bloodsport he memorably equates with a round of "outdoor chess." To my surprise, the film provides way more of an adrenaline rush than I'd ever remembered: a lean 63 minutes of thrills and adventure that'll make you pity anybody who's ever had to suffer through a Lucas or Spielberg movie at nearly twice that length. But I digress. (http://www.criterion.com/)

A rarely-seen still in which R-Lo comforts Fay Wray and hopes his wife doesn't find out about it!

Sick and Twisted's Best

Dear Readers,

If you've never seen these two videos of Don Hertzfeldt's classic animation shorts, you can thank me for posting them here today. I have a feeling that those of you who have seen these will be thanking me for adding them to the site as well.

Enjoy!

-TRM

You Sucked Mr. Peabody's Cock-Pitcher?

Dear Doctor,

It doesn't take a professional reading your rorschach test results to figure out what you'd like for your birthday. Too bad it isn't legal in this country, and you're too much of a xenophobe to venture outside. Amazingly, I could probably recommend a few David Lynch films to satisfy your primal needs, but you'd be too pent up to rent them. Perhaps we can have them sent in a plain brown wrapper.

For the rest of us, I suggest the diversion of watching a moose pull a rabbit out of a hat.

-TRM

Return to Gumbology

Dear Readers,

I'd like to add another chapter to the Gumby family legacy. Tonight instead of bringing you fetish-related material featuring huge fake boobs, a giant rapping, or a midget fucking (did I really have to connect the dots here?) -- I'd like to cut the tension a bit by bringing you Spamby. The cute hunk of meat that also substitutes as a slimy toy. No word on who its parents are.

-TRM

After Further Review -- No Stigmata

Dear Readers,

Carlin, in a dream, told me to come out of retirement again, and let you know that there is no fucking afterlife. The man was a modern day Jesus, and most of you wanted to censor him. So I dedicate this blog to the man who brought the oxymoron military intelligence to our attention and that he wouldn't fuck Dan Quayle's wife with a stolen dick (I'll let the hippy dippy weatherman slide). May he forever remind us of how fucked up we all are.

Sincerely,

TRM - on hour number seven of a thirteen hour HBO Carlin marathon -- I can't wait to see how it turns out!

Top 10 Reasons that I Have not Blogged Lately

10) I had a hangnail.
9) RLo is mean.
8) I see red when I see you.
7) Vertigo (the condition, not the movie).
6) Busy season at work.
5) Kucinich dropped out.
4) My IPod broke.
3) The dog ate my homework.
2) My favorite blogging shirt got ruined in the flood.
1) I was actually having sex with a live woman.

Reasons I'm back.

10) Cuticle scissors
9) RLo is mean.
8) It's 5 passed 2.
7) Vertigo (the movie, not the condition)
6) I hate my job.
5) Kucinich filed 38 articles of impeachment against Bush.
4) ITouch baby!
3) Coyotes in my yard.
2) Going el fresco!
1) Forced to go back online, yet again...poker anyone?

Don't piss me off.
Z

A Cottage on Dartmoor

A Cottage on Dartmoor (2007 DVD)
Directed by Anthony Asquith
UK, 1929
Silent with English intertitles

Although it's probably only a matter of time before fun nazi/jingoistic xenophobe Dr. Demented starts his usual bitching and moaning about never even having heard of this movie before (apparently the good Doktor limits his "film research" to waiting for recommendations from The View and/or pining for his idol Rex Reed), the more cinematically adventurous among you are invited to read on for a few words in praise of this early British thriller. While deemed "Hitchcockian" by more than a couple of online pogues, A Cottage on Dartmoor actually seems to have its own take on the manhunt-for-an-escaped-convict-on-the-lam genre that Sir Alfred almost singlehandedly made famous among the fish-and-chips eating peoples of the world. The story is told in flashback after barber Joe (Uno Henning) falls in love with but is then dissed by his lovely coworker Sally (Norah Baring, a cutie), leading to an unfortunate "accident" involving Sally's new fiancé (Hans Adalbert Schlettow) and a straight razor (played by itself) that's held to his throat a tad too closely. Asquith's visual style (featuring paired shots dissolving into each other and juxtapositions of barbershop chatter about sports with location shots taken at different sporting events) and sense of mischievousness (Joe's silent movie path down the slippery slope of terminal stalkerdom begins when Sally goes on a date to a "talkie" filled with Embassy Cinema-like bluehairs and a bigtime snorer like Z in attendance) keep you guessing where things will lead next, a nice surprise considering how many 21st century tales of jealousy and revenge have their outcomes given away in the course of the fucking trailer. Nice. (http://www.kino.com/)

The Short and the Short of It

Dear Readers,

It has come to my attention that fake youngster and real life security guard, Gary Coleman, is looking to settle his marital woes on TV's Divorce Court. So, this poses an important question -- Divorce Court is still on TV? I guess the Coleman's were saving this little nugget for sweeps, which led seemingly normal columnists from Salt Lake City to brand this marriage a sham. As if they've never seen any abhorrent marital practices out there before. That's a little screwy, eh? Even more outrageous, Coleman still claims he's a virgin -- as if that's not the oldest trick in the book. Nothing beats a pity lay, right Gary?

My suggestion GC-- start hanging with Michael Jackson. You were meant for each other.

-TRM

Strat-O-Magic: Who's The Real Pitcher

Dear Readers,

That's right, the original Red Man is back from retirement to put DD in his proverbial place by throwing strikes with the biggest cock pitcher known to man. The sheer volume of liquid this jug holds puts all artificially enhanced bimbos to shame. You should have known better than to post like you're leaning into a pitch and instead ask for a demotion to little league because this hurler owns you.

-TRM

*Photo courtesy of the Maltese-esque high school crime drama Brick, which earned an R-Lo "super-good" rating back in 2006.

German Expressionism Collection #2

The Hands of Orlac (2008 DVD)
Directed by Robert Wiene
Austria, 1924

Until recently unknown to all but hep People's Enlightenment and Propaganda minister Doktor Demented and the other Access Hollywood enthusiasts in his immediate family, The Hands of Orlac was actually the prototype for the psycho-sexual subgenre in which an acclaimed concert pianist loses both hands in a horrific accident, gets new mitts transplanted from a recently-executed murderer's corpse, and then suffers bad thoughts and spectral visitations galore when he realizes that he can't mack on his special lady friend with non-criminal paws anymore. If not quite as "writhing with sexual innuendo and Freudian imagery" as the good folks at Kino promise, der DVD is still an eminently watchable genre film with a couple of cool characters (incl. one walking around with a visible guillotine wound across his throat!) and a spectacular night-time train wreck scene seemingly shot by torchlight (take that, modern special effects whizzes!). As an added bonus, Herr Conrad Veidt's unfortunately-coiffed, reptilian Orlac never once mentions either Orny Adams or David Cross despite line after line of sexually-ambiguous "dialogue." (http://www.kino.com/)

The trailer for 1935's Orlac-inspired Mad Love.

German Expressionism Collection #1

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2008 DVD)

Directed by Robert Wiene

Germany, 1919

Although I hate to interrupt our other bloggers' continuous celebration of bald comedians and hirsute Big Lebowski lookalikes, I wanted to send out a telepathic high five to anyone and everyone at Kino International for the great German Expressionism Collection four-DVD box set they just put out this month. To be honest, I've only really watched The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari so far; however, finally getting to see this silent film masterpiece Saturday after years of avoiding it for no good reason would've been worth the $59.99 price of admission all by its lonesome.

I'm not going to bother reviewing the film in depth because you can find plenty of that shite elsewhere, Jack. As many of you already know, it's a frame story about a string of killings that involves a traveling village fair, a crazed Freud-like doctor, his henchman/sleepwalking patient Cesare, and various other characters seemingly straight out of the loony bin. The anti-authoritarian action unfolds in a relatively brief and delirious 75 minutes, and I'll bet top dollar that you'll feel that you got your money's worth from both the acting (exaggerated for effect, natch) and the script (handsomely translated into a simple English that even people who date roller derby girls should be able to follow).

While silent film hottie Lil Dagover is absolutely luscious jackson in the role of the somnambulist bait, the true beauty in the film is the set itself. I don't know how much Hermann Warm, Walter Reimann, and Walter Röhrig were paid for their art direction or how much Willie Hameister earned for his cinematography, but they were all clearly tremendously underpaid. Wiene's ghostly world of odd geometric shapes, angular architecture, and beautiful shadows is truly dreamlike, and I don't mean that dimestore surrealism of modern directors who lamely try and inject "mood" into their films by putting sub-new wave crap like Oingo Boingo on their sorry-ass soundtracks. In other words, fuck Danny Elfman and the horse he rode in on and long live The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari!

( http://www.kino.com/ )

The Name Says It All

Dear R-Lo,

Are you really surprised that In the Valley of Ellah was a so-so film? The director's name says it all: Paul HAGGIS -- a Scottish dish with variable recipes, most of which have in common the following ingredients: sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours.

Oddly enough, that still doesn't properly explain that shit film Crash, but it does clarify the casting of Sandra Bullock.

-TRM

Shark Sandwich or Why Google Matters Part I

Dear Readers,

What the fuck is going on around here? It is hard to imagine, but looks to be an absolute fact that comics and their management companies have a lot of time on their hands. For those of you unaware of what I'm talking about, the blessed Doctor received yet another seemingly real response to a posting -- this time from the original Gallagher's promotion crew. So I have to ask -- is there some Google search engine that allows comedic hacks to search for anything new about themselves online? The odds must be pretty long for both Gallagher and Orny Adams to find The Doctor's IVDM half-assed kneepad-Lewinsky-suckfest pulled straight from Wikipedia within 24 hours of posting (I shit you not), but here we are in this Freakonomics twilight zone I call "the now". I guess this means Michael Richards' people are just about finished reading the hate blogs, and are ready to pitch some new ideas to the Transylvania 6500 star (hopefully with filming locations in Watts, Compton, D.C., and Harlem -- call it the 2008 Apology Tour).

So, to properly combat The Doctor's satire taken for honesty, I'd like to mention an actual comedic genius that I would like to thank right here. Marc Maron is easily one of the best comics out there today. I recently purchased his two albums off of ITunes, and found them to be really funny. His book Jerusalem Syndrome is also a great read, and was given to me as a gift a few years ago. It still sits in my bookshelf today. So Marc, if you or your agent is reading this -- thanks for the great work. I've even posted a solid YouTube clip for those of you who have never seen his act.

Sincerely,

-TRM

Chipmunk Punked

Dear Readers,

The doctor did, in fact, unveil the dark secret that David Cross was indeed a cast member of the critically annihilated Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. I have known about this for some time, and was actually hoping Cross was using the proceeds to put out a great stand-up album. I'm still hanging in there, but admit this is a serious blow to my standing in the taste department. So Mr. Cross, I'm begging you not to become a guilty pleasure as I have been looking down on so many people for not getting Mr. Show.

In his defense, Cross is not the first person to get hoodwinked by the Chipmunk brand.

-TRM

Track Listing

1. "Call Me" (D. Harry/G. Moroder) – 3:11
2. "Refugee" (T. Petty/M. Campbell) – 3:07
3. "Frustrated" (D. Fieger/B. Averre) – 2:54
4. "You May Be Right" (W. M. Joel) – 4:03
5. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" (F. Mercury) – 2:47
6. "My Sharona" (D. Fieger/B. Averre) – 4:03
7. "How Do I Make You...?" (B. Steinberg) – 2:23
8. "Good Girls Don't" (D. Fieger) – 3:13
9. "Let's Go" (R. Ocasek) – 3:35

Obviously You Are Not A Golfer

Julian Schnabel on his way to meet Walter and Donnie at Lebowski Fest '08. All arrangements were booked on his Ralph's card.

Less Crappy Than "Crash," Not as Famous as "A Few Good Men"

In the Valley of Elah (2008 DVD)
Directed by Paul Haggis
USA, 2007

In the Valley of Elah is way less crappy than Crash was, perhaps because the acting "talents" of Sandra Bullock and Brendan Fraser weren't available for this film. While leads Tommy Lee Jones and Charlize Theron struggle valiantly to rise above the pitfalls in the script, in the end their performances are mostly wasted since the second half of the movie turns into a pedestrian murder mystery as lame and superficial as one of Dr. Demented's TV posts. I'm guessing that many of you already know that "war can fuck with your head," but those who don't can step right up to have that point hammered into your heads with Spielbergian insistency from a director who honed his writing chops on such quality fare as Walker, Texas Ranger and The Facts of Life. Look it up, I shit you not. IVDM plot keywords: Male Chauvinism, Spielbergian Mallet, Stripper, Tom Cruise & Demi Moore & Jack Nicholson Movies, Two Upside Down American Flags, Not Good.

Culture Warriors Come Out to Play or Why Eighties TV is a Militant Fuck-Squad Sent to Mess with Your Head

"Too Eighties!" -- H.J. Simpson

Dear Readers,

I can honestly say that I feel sad for anyone that idolizes the punishment that is known as 80's TV. While I'd like to directly respond to my friend the Doctor's assertion that Sledge Hammer and Miami Vice were quality TV shows, I have instead decided that I will do my fan base a favor and quickly cover all his upcoming posts in an effort to thwart his master plan of franchising vomitoriums tentatively named Up-Bucks (editor's note: Dictionary.com actually said I'm using this inaccurately -- but you get the picture). So, without further fanfare I give you The Red Man's predictions for the Doctor's upcoming TV posts:

1. Double Trouble - 1984 series that lasted 16 episodes about twin sisters. These cuties were straight out of a Doublemint gum commercial, and right into R-Lo's wheelhouse (oddly enough they were little too old for Z). The Doctor's take on this one -- great show that would have gotten him through puberty had it lasted just a few more episodes.

2. Jennifer Slept Here -This show briefly ran from 1983 to 1984, and was about a house that a dead woman's ghost inhabited. Supposedly inspired by the film Poltergeist, this awful sitcom actually cracked the top 20 -- you gotta love Reaganomics and Oingo Boingo. The Doctor'll sell you on how inventive the plot was, and the inspired casting of Ann Jillian.

3. Golden Girls - Best remembered for the Doctor's first love -- Rue McClanahan. Be happy I spared you from Bea Arthur.

4. Facts of Life - Technically started in 1979, most will remember this important series as an 80's show. While it launched Clooney's career towards the end (you doubt my veracity?), the Doctor best remembers it for his second love -- Nancy McKeon as Jo.

5. The Love Boat - The Doctor's favorite bedtime soap opera. "I wonder what hijinks Gopher will get into tonight!"

Well, that's about it for this post. I'm sure I've sickened you faster than free Arby's at an Orny show. Other 80's shows that didn't make the cut but might be the subject of future posts are Mama's Family, The Land of the Lost, and the TV movie Ernest Goes to Borgnine. I didn't want you to think I might have missed something.

-TRM

When Red States Were Cool, Daddy-o

John Lennon might've been the dirtiest hippie there ever was outside of the Grateful Dead's fatassed inner circle and maybe Pearl Jam roadies, but even he knew greatness when he heard it, covering two or three Arthur Alexander songs during his tenure in that undeservedly famous boy band of his from Liverpool. The Alabaman Alexander (1940-1993) is sometimes said to have been the only songwriter ever covered by the Beatles, the Stones, Bob Dylan and Elvis, but I wouldn't blame the guy too much for that since you can already hear the actual suffering in his voice. Anyway, as a sort of a sonic palate-cleanser for anyone out there still smarting from the Red Man's last burnout-laden post, here is reason # infinity why soul used to be called soulful: the magnificent "Soldier of Love." Enjoy.

ARTHUR ALEXANDER-"Soldier of Love" (1961)

All I am Saying -- Give Me a Break

Dear Readers,

After watching The US vs. John Lennon, a moderately entertaining VH-1 produced documentary about the late singer's battle to stay in the United States and ultimately lead to his "unrelated" assassination, I have decided to recap some of the worst moments I have seen in music related films.

1. The Pink Floyd in Pompeii - This pre-Dark Side of the Moon video is basically one large acid trip while watching the band play music alone in an amphitheater. Lowlights include David Gilmour making a song with a howling dog, and a two part version of the song Echoes.



2. The Smashing Pumpkins Viewphoria - This video created at the height of their popularity is amazingly sullen considering their financial aspirations were on the verge of becoming a reality. For those struggling artists looking to quit the business in disgust, skip right to the chapter that contains a mock British group therapy session that would be Spinal Tap worthy if it didn't seem so serious. It is obviously placed in the film for fun, but it comes off as highly annoying. Billy Corgan's "Over the Rainbow" a capella interlude during the final song, Silverfuck, which has been removed in the DVD version (probably for copyright purposes) used to be the negative clincher for the casual fan.



3. Led Zeppelin's The Songs Remain the Same - Easily the worst serious live footage ever committed to film. The band decided to weave these horrible dream sequences into the movie for "entertainment" purposes, which at best is confusing and at worst could easily be blamed for the bombings in Cambodia. Don't believe me? The film opens with producer Peter Grant, dressed as a gangster, who drives up to a house filled with people in rubber monster masks, and shoots them with an old-style machine gun. It only gets worse from there -- Robert Plant acts out a scene as a knight...you get the drift. Zeppelin shows their broad subject matter repertoire to the audience by playing songs with varying themes like:

Rock and Roll - about chicks
The Song Remains the Same - about girls
Rain Song - about the ladies
Dazed and Confused - about women
No Quarter - about a sex other than men
Stairway to Heaven - about fairies and elves
Moby Dick - presume it is about fairies and elves
Whole Lotta Love - this one's for the ladies in the house
Black Dog - Oh you women!
Heart Breaker - are there any ladies left in the house?
Since I've Been Loving You - hello ladies!
Bron-Yr-Aur -fairies and elves
Autumn Lake - not sure -- I'll go with women.



4. The Ramones End of the Century - An excellent documentary that really gives you insight into the band and the punk movement. It only makes the list due to the DeeDee rap, which can be found on YouTube, and has been posted on this site previously.

5. Kurt Cobain in Kurt and Courtney - A completely disjointed OJ-esque search for the real killer documentary that happens to be the first movie to review the singer's suicide. The film probably got more attention than it should have, and is a classically bad schlock-u-mentary. All you get is the sense of that if Cobain didn't commit suicide, he probably should have. Disclaimer: no Nirvana music was used in this film.

Well, that's about it for this edition of the best of the worst. Feel free to submit your own.

-TRM

C is for what now?

Here is a nice little psycho exam you can take. Apply the logic of the classic Sesame Street game above, and make your selection from the choices below.

A



B



C



D



If you chose A, you are either a racist, or a brother.

If you chose B, you are either a sexist, or a lesbian.

If you voted for C, you are an idiot.

If you chose D, you are correct.

Respectfully submitted,
Z

Over the Line - A Lebowski Revelation

Dear Readers,

With Oscar season behind us, I thought it was necessary to finally reveal who I believe is the real life inspiration behind the Coen Brother's Dude character in the Big Lebowski. It is none other than artist/director Julian Schnabel -- check out his segment in Sketches of Frank Gehry for further confirmation. Submitted for your approval, below is a picture of Jeff Bridges in all his Lebowski poundage compared with a snapshot of Schnabel in full El Duderino attire (sans White Russian -- although there are a few interview scenes with a Brandy snifter). For those of you who want to point out that the Lebowski movie came out about eight years before the Gehry documentary, I am absolutely willing to entertain the idea that Schnabel is gearing up for Lebowski Fest, which is coincidentally scheduled for next week (has anyone checked his flight plans?).

Perhaps this is a poll question?

-TRM

Hong Kong > Hollywood

Election (2007 DVD)
Directed by Johnnie To
Hong Kong, 2005
In Cantonese and Mandarin with English subtitles

You don't have to be an androidal, failed ex-presidential candidate with a limited knowledge of geography to admit that "Asia or China" has already passed us by as the real action-movie superpower. I don't have a beef with the competition, and neither should you. Election, in other words, is a solid flick, an old-fashioned gangster story set against the backdrop of Triad warfare in Hong Kong at just about the time the British were handing the city back to its previous owners. If the political overtones I've mentioned help to give the plot a little more depth than you might expect, the real joys in watching this DVD are in the fine acting, the succession of characters who are at once vaguely familiar and yet worlds apart from their US bad guy counterparts, and--above all--in the kinetic storytelling that's mostly lacking in American action films these days. Oh, yeah, and no Bruce Willis either. (http://www.tartanvideousa.com/)

Goldberg and the Jewsploitation Movement

Dear Readers,

I just found the only scene worth watching in the Comedy Central cult favorite The Hebrew Hammer. The film has a few decent moments, but it is mostly a dud to anyone who didn't go to Hebrew school (even that's a stretch). Two words best sum up why this is mostly unwatchable -- Andy Dick. In an odd coincidence it happened be Tobolowsky, in his own documentary, who emphasizes lameness by invoking Mr. Dick's name. Again, props to you Stephen.

Shabbat Shalom MF'ers!

-TRM

One of the Best Tobolowsky Scenes Ever!

Dear Readers,

A quick one for my buddy Long Island Davis! Below is one of the best Stephen Tobolowsky scenes committed to celluloid -- even if it is embedded in this half funny Mel Brooks movie (no offense to Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein). Long live Tobolowsky!

-TRM

Hubba Bubba -- A Quick Guide to Gumbology

Dear Readers,

What the fuck is up with Gumby's Grandmother? If you don't know what I'm taking about, check out this brief genealogy:

The Ever Rockin' Gumby


His More Religious than "Davey and Goliath" Parents Gumbo and Gumba


...And His Fucking HUMAN Grandmother!

Did I just blow your mind?

Hypotheses are welcome.

-TRM

Caramelized - An Onion Inspired Post

Dear Readers,

Consistently one of the best shows on NPR, "This Amercian Life" recently did a show on the subject of tough rooms. One crowd of harsh critics covered was the editorial board of the Onion, which apparently has the reputation of churning through 700 sample headlines before boiling their selections down to a handful per issue. If you're not familiar with the Onion, feel free to stop by their website -- The Onion dot com. The site even comes with a Z seal of approval for personal ad browsing, which should tell you a lot about the big guy. I mean, what's he looking for there, whether Orny's free tonight (speaking of tough rooms)?

The reason I bring up the Onion piece, is because I'd like to submit a few of my own sample headlines that you all are free to skewer.

Hitler's Brain Found in Minnesota, Announces Candidacy, Wants Cheney for VP

Desperate Hillary Strikes Back at Obama, Divorces Bill, Marries Oprah

McCain Proclaims He Too is Change Candidate, Eats Vietnamese Food While Smoking Cuban Cigar

Coulter Confesses to Long Term Joke, Admits to Being Gary Coleman in Battle Axe Costume

Romney Insiders Say He Would Have Focused on Presidency for Two Years and Spent Next Ones Investigating Run for Solar System Saviour

Revealed: In Final Written Statements Hussein Predicted Prolonged Iraq War and Indiana Lottery Numbers

-TRM

The Daytona 500 vs. Euro Scalextric

Who needs Nascar and all that flag-waving, country music-loving, good ol' boy right-wing extremist bullshit when you can partake of some nonpartisan human crème brûlée (Miss Tahiti, 1998; Miss France, 1999) with your scale model racetrack songs below? Not me! Or as one enlightened wag on YouTube put it (spoiler alert), "If that skirt was any shorter, I would see a lot more ivy in the background."

MAREVA GALANTER-"On roule à 160"

70-Year Old Drops Laser-Guided C-Bomb on Middle America

Since Boston is so proud of its prestigious arts complex known as the Wang Center, I don't see what's so wrong with what the 70-year old Barbarella said on live national TV early yesterday morning. What's good for the Goose Gossage is good for the gander and all that. However, our readers can decide for themselves below.

Dunk it!

In honor of my bloggity brethren, I have been inspired to research, contemplate and bloginate...the cookie. So, without further ado, here are the all time, top 5, greatest cookies of all time!

Number 5) The Chrusciki

This delightful Polish confection has been a favorite with the Catholic school girls for generations. Not only are they devilishly sweet, they melt in your mouth like a communion wafer.

Number 4) The porn site cookie

A favorite of an estimated 109,000,000 Americans, this little cyber pastry gets stored in your web browser to make it just that much easier to log onto your favorite porn site, without all the hassle of typing one handed.

Number 3) Carleton Chester "Cookie" Gilchrist

This AFL hall of famer was not only the league's first 1,000 yard rusher in a 14 game season, but he was also an accomplished place kicker and pass blocker for several teams, including my Buffalo Bills. In his spare time he was a relentless advocate and activist in the Civil Rights movement of the 1960's. And (this is rumor) I hear he was quite a knitter.

Number 2) Cookie

I only know her as Cookie. She is a particularly pleasant cocktail waitress at Herb's Pub on Lake Chautauqua near Jamestown, NY. Hubba Hubba!!!

and finally, the number one all time greatest cookie of all time:

Number 1) The Nilla Wafer

A known favorite of The Red Man, this tasty little morsel is not only the essence of Americana, it is also quite Proletariat.



Respectfully submitted,
Z

PS - To all the girls I've loved before...Happy Valentine's Day.

101st Post -- And Hopefully Many More!

Dear Readers,

A quick one from the land of IVDM tonight. First, I'd like to thank R-Lo for unknowingly publishing the 100th posting on our ever growing blog. We apparently have a lot to say, even though some of us waste the space with "Let them Eat Cake"-like cookies...also known as the Fig Newton (I'm looking at you Boston suburb with the nerve to put a cafe in the plans of their new public high school). For those of you similar to R-Lo, who enjoy that Bastille Day special known as the Pecan Sandie, I would also like to recommend other agenda oriented treats such as the cryptic Maoist Chinese food fortune cookie and the ethnically charged Hydrox cookie as it is the covertly Kosher version of the Oreo (very sinister indeed!).

Onto more pressing items. Tonight I'd like to post a segment of Maureen Dowd's op-ed piece about Hillary's chances in the upcoming primaries. In this she quotes the verbal half of Penn and Teller and a new joke in their stage show. From this it is obvious Jillette doesn't think highly of Mrs. Clinton, but he interprets the changes in his audience's repulsed reaction as a sign of trouble for her. Dowd has some doubts. Read it for yourself.

In a webcast, prestidigitator Penn Jillette talks about a joke he has begun telling in his show. He thinks the thunderous reaction it gets from audiences shows that Hillary no longer has a shot. The joke goes: “Obama is just creaming Hillary. You know, all these primaries, you know. And Hillary says it’s not fair, because they’re being held in February, and February is Black History Month. And unfortunately for Hillary, there’s no White Bitch Month.” Of course, jokes like that — even Jillette admits it’s offensive — are exactly what may give Hillary a shot.

Perhaps Jillette is just mad that the Mitt-Orny ticket was never a reality while Jesus Camp actually exists.



-TRM

Bourgeois Cookies

Comrade The Red Man has been known to refer to these with scorn as "bourgeois cookies" when I have dared to eat them in his presence. True story!

"Masculin Féminin" Redux

Since I ripped off that Masculin Féminin review from one of my other blogs (self-bootlegging at its finest), a small measure of guilt has compelled me to offer you this Intravenus de Milo "exclusive": the trailer from the US rerelease a couple of years back. Note that despite the bouncy soundtrack, French teens were actually prohibited from seeing the film when it first came out because it was deemed too subversive for impressionable young minds. Apparently, there's a petit bourgeois born every minute.

Ennui with a Backbeat

Masculin Féminin (2005 DVD)
Directed by Jean-Luc Godard
France and Sweden, 1966
In French with English subtitles

I finally got around to watching this celebrated study of mid-'60s Parisian youth culture and was so blown away that I watched it twice in the last couple of weeks to see what I might have missed. Although Chantal Goya's lovely pop songs might make you think things are all fun and games here, they serve as an excellent foil to what is essentially a dark and pessimistic take on the banalities of modern consumerism. Thinking about Godard's work 40+ years after it was made, I'd have to say that this is one of the most "punk rock" directing efforts I've ever seen. Most scenes mix a certain anthropological distance with an in-your-face interrogatory style, and the intertitles and allusions to random violence sprinkled throughout also sport a rather aggressive spraypaint belligerence. Confrontational? Yeah. However, the artistry of the film lies in scenes like the one titled "Dialogue avec un produit de consommation" (Dialogue with a Consumer Product) where a 19-year old beauty queen--wholesome, fetching, more or less totally apathetic--practically gets crucified with a series of uncomfortable questions about politics and sex. If there's no pleasure in watching her get her comeuppance, maybe it's because moments this brutal and seemingly spontaneous reveal characters less "cinematic" than we're used to dealing with on the screen. Superb. (http://www.criterion.com/)

Coming Soon...

The Golden Ticket

Dear Readers,

I stumbled across this add on the Internet a little while ago, and all I can say is that everything makes sense now. The Doctor's ultimate ticket -- a Romney/Orny Adams team would be unstoppable. The next stop for Z would have been Romney's Guantanamo II with an extra helping of mean because Orny thinks its funny! Now who's laughing?

-TRM

Uno Mas, Madre%$#er!!

Hey, I'm not above the pig pile mentality.

I personally have been breathing easier this week, with the demise of the Romney campaign. Although I guess I am greatful that he so gallantly bowed out, in order to save us from surrendering to the terrorists (what the fuck?), the real reason I am breathing easier is because he is the most ardent advocate for an issue that scares me the most. English only.

I'm sorry, but English only would destroy the lifestyle, I as a patriotic American have come to enjoy. Let's put aside that first amendment FREEDOM OF FUCKING SPEECH provision for one second, you fucking robotic asshole. What I would miss out of my American experience would be as follows:

burritos, quesodillas, salsa, and Salsa. Not to mention Los Straightjackets, Big Sandy and punk rock geniuses, the Plugz.

If Mitt, and Grandpapi McCain for that matter, had their way, the best we would be able to do is tuna wraps, grilled cheese, ketchup and Garth Brooks (aka grilled cheese). No thanks, Senor.

So, now I intend to celebrate with a Corona.

Hey by the way Mittens, you should have realized that no one wants to vote for a pussy who says, do as I say and not as I do. So shut up!...por favour.




Respectfully submitted,
Z

Stepping in Some Mitt

(idea courtesy of the Colbert Report)

Dear Readers,

In case you missed it, dear old Mitt Romney dropped out of the Republican primaries a day ago, and he said some of the most outrageous things in his concession speech. There are more "I shit you not" moments in this diatribe than R-Lo hosting an "I Can't Believe Its Not Butter" infomercial. Below is a list of some of the more ridiculous quotes:

"I am convinced that unless America changes course, we will become the France of the 21st century—still a great nation, but no longer the leader of the world, no longer the superpower. "

--Isn't France part of the European Union? The one with a stronger currency, better health care, was correct on Iraq, and an American ally?

"The attack on faith and religion is no less relentless. And tolerance for pornography—even celebration of it—and sexual promiscuity, combined with the twisted incentives of government welfare programs have led to today’s grim realities: 68% of African American children are born out-of-wedlock, 45% of Hispanic children, and 25% of White children. How much harder it is for these children to succeed in school—and in life. A nation built on the principles of the founding fathers cannot long stand when its children are raised without fathers in the home. It is time for the people of America to fortify marriage through constitutional amendment, so that liberal judges cannot continue to attack it! If we do not change course, Asia or China will pass us by as the economic superpower, just as we passed England and France during the last century."

--How did we go from faith and religion to pornography, and what's the deal with fathers in the home having something to do with Asia? When did I miss the part in history class that covered how France and England had no fathers during the first half of the 20th century which led to American supremacy? Did England respond to this threat by sending us Wham?

"Did you see that today, government workers make more money than people who work in the private sector. Can you imagine what happens to an economy where the best opportunities are for bureaucrats?

--Damn you Post Office Donald Trump! Livin' large on all those discounted stamps!

"...there is a conviction that all governments should be destroyed and replaced by a religious caliphate."

--Somebody didn't see Jesus Camp.

"Soon, the face of liberalism in America will have a new name. Whether it is Barack or Hillary, the result would be the same if they were to win the Presidency. The opponents of American culture would push the throttle, devising new justifications for judges to depart from the constitution. Economic neophytes would layer heavier and heavier burdens on employers and families, slowing our economy and opening the way for foreign competition to further erode our lead. And Barack and Hillary have made their intentions clear regarding Iraq and the war on terror. They would retreat and declare defeat. And the consequence of that would be devastating. It would mean attacks on America, launched from safe havens that make Afghanistan under the Taliban look like child’s play. About this, I have no doubt. I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues, as you know. But I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq, on finding and executing Osama bin Laden, and on eliminating Al Qaeda and terror. If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror."

--As Jon Stewart said about this part: "Fuck You!"

You know, I'm pretty sick about hearing that not voting Republican will cause more attacks on America. Last time I checked, Ron Paul got a pretty large ovation at the last debate when he talked about bringing troops home from Iraq (if you didn't watch it, go to YouTube). Clearly, someone in the Republican party obviously thinks differently about this issue, and that's a good thing in general. People forget that politics isn't about agreeing all the time. This isn't your local baseball team, and when politicians fuck up it is OK to stop supporting them...maybe, dare I say, patriotic. That's what being a Democrat is all about! You think I hold Bill Clinton in high regard? You'd be wrong about that (I'm lookin' at you DD). In this case there won't be any off-season rebuilding, and no first round draft picks to save the organization. Bush walks out of office never having to work another day in his life, and will never rely on the Social Security he briefly tried to dismantle (as if he ever did).

Again, all you people who think the Republicans are the answer to things like immigration, gay marriage, and abortion should look at the facts before voting. Your party had control of the White House, the House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court and all you got was this lousy economy.

Also, can we stop using the words "Liberal" and "Conservative"? They don't mean anything anymore. John McCain is not a "liberal", and it is not a bad thing that he attracts independents and some Democrats. My advice John, go for the popular vote, and leave your Coulter/Limbaugh base behind. You just might win.

-TRM

Astronauts and Assholes

Carrie-Anne Moss, Canadian hottie.

Mitt Romney, paranoid android/also-ran. Would like to go back in time 25,000 years to put up a wall along that Bering Strait thing.

The Super Bowl for Suckers

In honor of Valentine's Day (now a month-long event judging by the ads we've already been subjected to this week), here's an extremely suggestive 1966 clip of "Les Sucettes" penned by Serge Gainsbourg and sung by the lovely France Gall. The lyrics in this ode to lollipops might not be anything special in translation ("When the anise-flavored barley sugar slides down Annie's throat, she's in heaven"), but I think you'll agree that there's a certain je ne sais quoi about this sugary pop confection anyway. Too bad the song's alleged double entendres so distressed the then 19-year old Gall when she found out about them that she broke off her business relationship with dirty old man Gainsbourg, thus depriving the world from ever hearing the planned follow-up about corn dogs!

You Might Be an Ignorant Voter

Dear Readers,

Welcome to the Super Tuesday edition of Intravenus De Milo. Before you go running to the polls and vote, here are my suggestions on how to determine whether you qualify as an ignorant voter:

1. You vote for a candidate because you like them better or would like to have a beer with them at a barbecue. If this is you, just stop reading this blog, and blame yourself for the state of the economy, Iraq, and the housing crisis. Maybe that home schooling wasn't such a good thing. China and India have dibs on your ass.

2. You're disappointed that Fred Thompson isn't running anymore. What exactly was his platform anyway?

3. You regularly get your news from any major TV news or 24 hour cable news network. I'm sorry, there isn't one reliable news outlet that's owned by a major corporation. I promise this isn't skepticism. It is hard to take any station seriously when their anchors balance election information with coverage of drunken starlets, startlets in rehab, starlets and athletes, athletes and drugs, pharmaceutical commercials preceding health care stories, and rumors of a new Dallas movie. Your lack of knowledge has forced the news to feed your mind feces to support your shit for brains. Ask yourself, do you know more about Hannah Montana or Ron Paul? Do you even know which one of them running for President?

4. You get your written information from newspapers with bold printed headlines that rhyme, and contains more information on sports, comics, and horoscopes. Oh, what's that? You're a libra, and it says the end of the world is near-- perhaps you should stay home and not vote.

5. You think Reagan is the best President. Let's look at this model for a moment-- here's a person that we all know had Alzheimer's while in office. Does anyone remember Iran-Contra? He certainly didn't, and the record speaks for itself (go and watch it!). Furthermore, the Republicans have been using his formula for manipulative success ever since. If you listen closely you can hear them saying "who can we get that people like, knows nothing about policy, can read written lines, and follow orders while we carry out Nixon's agenda." Sounds a lot like Bush (see Fred Thompson again), and isn't that why the Republican mainstream doesn't like McCain?

6. You're convinced that a TV pundit is looking out for you (see Hannity, O'Reilly, Limbaugh, Novak, Blitzer, Scarborough, Kristol...). Now, go back to watching wrestling because it is the only real sport on television according to you.

7. You're heavily influenced by morning sports radio personalities. Let's be honest, they don't even know anything about sports, and you're going to agree with them on politics? Plus, they make a lot more money than you, and you're dumb enough to think they're your friend.

8. You're convinced the end of the world is near, and you vote against your own self interests. Who needs health care when you've got emergency rooms, right? Nostradamus predicted you're never going to get sick, so why bother with insurance. Please stay home and watch professional wrestling as you are dangerous to the rest of us. I'll even start a fund to buy you batteries and send them to your house in order to keep you on your couch when your remote control is out of juice.

9. You're convinced that these issues affect your life -- immigration (as if you can identify who is legal and who isn't), abortion (don't like it, don't have one), contraception (don't have sex...more for me), or gay marriage (what are you waiting for! You think your profesional wrestling fetish is related to heterosexuality? Man, you are dumb). Also, you support the war in Iraq, but wouldn't volunteer to fight it yourself or send your children. That isn't the definition of hypocrisy, is it? How many people died for that? By the way, monster trucks are on TV!

10. You've never watched a debate. Isn't that where people listen to candidates who are actually speak for themselves? I know, it is really difficult to watch those without commercials. Oh, I know, you were out, and you decided not to Tivo it. It's not like anything is on the line. I wonder what master Hannity thinks as he is a fair journalist who happens to campaign for the Republicans (would that be for money?). There's no conflict of interest there, right?

Happy voting.

-TRM

Man-handler 1 - Goat Fucker 0

Goat Fucker

-TRM