Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!

You've seen him in Amadeus -- and maybe in the Mighty Aphrodite? Now, get ready to ask him to give you a tip Liotta-style!

F. Murray Abrham in:

I'll Have What He's Having - Who, am I Kidding...is the Bread Free?
(Oh, and I'll have water too - yes, tap water)

Overactors Anonymous

"Before the Devil Knows You're Dead"
Directed by Sidney Lumet
USA, 2007

Rave reviews unexplainably abound for this contrived and soulless exercise in alinear storytelling, but Pulp Fiction and Memento this is not. In fact, this film probably has more telegraphed moves and fake "edginess" than anything else so critically well-received since Crash. More than one idiot online has actually compared Devil's bungled jewelry heist by brothers who look nothing at all alike plot to Greek tragedy, but the only connection there I can see is that Albert Finney, Ethan Hawke and even the usually-reliable Philip Seymour Hoffman will have you asking for "another cup of hemlock, please" after taking in their acting histrionics and correspondingly pained facial expressions for a couple of hours. Grade: "F" as in F. Murray Abraham Syndrome.

Lucky F-Bomb of the Month Nominee #2

Jeremy Piven is a great choice for somebody whose fame far exceeds his talent. In fact, outside of the Bush White House, he might be an unbeatable choice for said role. At least that's what I thought until I remembered the recent misfortunes of Isiah Lord Thomas III, commonly known by the nicknames "Zeke," "the baby-faced assassin" and "the worst GM in the NBA." That last one is really more a fact than a nickname, but you hear it so often it almost sounds like a bullet point on his resume at this point. Managerially speaking, he is a one-man Washington Generals waiting to be dunked on by Mitch Kupchak in the Meadowlark Lemon role.

There are a lot of bad coaches and GMs in sports, of course, so you might wonder why Isiah really deserves to be singled out. To put it bluntly, how does he out-Piven a Piven at his own game? One, he has been found liable of sexual harassment in a court of law. Two, his employer has had to pay an $11.6 million fine for these actions. Three, the Knicks continue to suck--in a basketball way, that is. I mean, think about it this way--if you had the highest payroll in basketball and a 33-49 coaching record, you'd probably be out of a job immediately. Add these "results" to a sexual harassment judgement against you and a multimillion dollar fine against your firm, and you would be pulling potato-peeling duty in the Green Zone--deservedly. Zeke is still pulling a paycheck, which makes him my nominee for Lucky F-Bomb of the Month for November. Nuff said.

Lucky Fuck of the Month

Dear Readers,

Since we're giving out awards this month, I'd like to nominate the first ever "Lucky Fuck of the Month" award recipient. The rules of this contest are simple, find someone you think is way luckier than their talent, and write a short essay on why they suck. The nominees will get posted in a poll, and then visitors can vote for their top choice.

To begin, I'll throw out a good one.

November Nominee #1: Jeremy Piven

Hey audience! Which picture above came first? You'd think it was the one on the left, but it happens to be the mostly bald one on the right. That's right, Jeremy Piven, my personal nominee for LFotM has mastered the art of regrowing hair. That's right ladies, underneath all those hair transplants, large quantities of minoxidil , and/or baboon hair extensions is Larry David's younger brother. I'm not sure what his appeal is or why he got the big Entourage role. I can only remember him in bit parts in the movie Heat and Grosse Pointe Blank, and now he's getting Emmy awards because of his newfound hair.

Is America really that shallow? Answer, yes.

Other nominees are welcome.

-TRM

Try Seeing the World Through My Eyes

Dear Readers,

I saw the previous post and felt I had to respond. Not to detract from the obvious zionist plot to create a mock Decline of Western Civilization II knock-off metal band entrusted to save the world -- crafty neocons! Rather, I would like to point out the uncanny likeness David Lee Roth shares with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy member Carson Kressley. That tells you a lot.

The Roth/Kressley Comparison

Now You Know I'm Serious

Well, I guess this means the prospect for Mideast peace through metal just got frillier, while also confirming that Judas Priest is just the tip of the iceberg.

Possible musically inspired Arabic responses could include:

Amadena-Bob

Pelvis Musharraf

Hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla boobuhla

hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla bop,

-TRM

The R-Lo Hall of Zeros and Heroes

Dear Readers,

In a classic tribute to the big man himself, I have decided to create a new topic here at Intravenusdemilo with regard to our friend and frequent contributor R-Lo. As many of you know, R-Lo is a bit of a renaissance man -- as a perpetual student, garage-rock music scholar, and gormandizer of the culinary arts. He also daylights as a part-time movie critic since his schedule occasionally allows for weekday matinées -- evidenced by his Bourne review earlier. Over the course of our friendship R-Lo has shared his opinion on a number of actors he has an odd fondness for or an obvious abhorrence. Some of which I would like to share in this entry. So without further fanfare here's my first list of inductees to the R-Lo Zeros and Heroes Hall of Fame.

The Heroes

James "Kimo" Wills:
Best Known For: The classic role of Dave in the Tao of Steve.
In this film Kimo convincingly portrays a "Stu", a less-than-suave ladies' man, and roommate to Dex a "Steve", and metaphorical Don Giovanni. Dex trains Dave who is -- "think Gomer Pyle" -- to become a Steve Austin or Steve McQueen wannabe through his rules on picking up chicks. The only problem is that while Dave apparently has success with the training, the audience is unsure what exactly changed with this character. The bottom line is, Kimo is fucking funny whether you believe the premise or not. Rent this movie, and drink a beer every time Kimo is on the scene.

Mike Schank:
Best Known For: His existence and the film American Movie.
Easily the greatest indie film/documentary side kick to ever bless the screen. He provides a lot of cheap laughs and even astounds onlookers with his guitar metal prowess. He would have been a college dormitory legend on just about any campus -- if only for a weekend. Somehow I get the feeling R-Lo would easily buy a few rounds just to talk to this guy knowing that it would provide material for a lifetime. Daniel Johnston eat your heart out! Plus -- as R-Lo would say, "I shit you not"-- , Schank's so down to earth he has posted his personal phone number and his number of days sober on the American Movie web site. OK, so maybe the suggested round of drinks might be a bit much, but they could definitely hang out and watch the Packers during Thanksgiving.

The Zeros

Oliver Platt
Best Known For: I'm not really sure.
To be honest, I don't have any clue as to why R-Lo is so anti-Platt, but I do know his appearance in a preview is an immediate film disqualification for future viewing. Even Platt's name in the credits is typically followed by an R-Lo "thumb's down" or an unexpected (for the uninitiated) laugh or heckle to his neighboring theatergoers. Secretly, I think R-Lo's issue here is that Platt could be cast as R-Lo in the R-Lo movie -- tentatively called "Dr. Strange-Lo or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Lake Placid."

Tom Wilkinson
Best Known For: The Full Monty and a host of other moderate films.
Again, I'm not really sure why R-Lo hates this guy considering he's never seen Wilkinson's critically acclaimed, but fairly eerie sex change movie "Normal." I would like to suggest that someone purchase this film as a Christmas present for R-Lo, and make sure he has his Clockwork Orange headgear on when Wilkinson starts caressing his new boobs. Trust me, he'll be begging for a movie starring Oliver Platt in no time.

That's it for this round.

-TRM

Curse of the Reverse Spinal Tap

Dear Readers,

I'm back from retirement and ready to dish!

A while back, I noticed that the remaining original members of The Ramones happened to be the drummers (and a few late additions to the band), and coined the term a "Reverse Spinal Tap" as Tap's legendary running joke had to do with the strange deaths surrounding their percussionists. Well, apparently the Ramones version of the curse is not limited to band memebers. The New York Times and various other news outlets reported this week that one of their former managers was found slain on Halloween. Clearly, this cannot be good new for Phil Spector who was last seen concentrating on being Phil Spector (I'm looking at you bald, hat wearin', tattooed, hysterical guy who disturbed my viewing of The Ramones documentary "End of the Century" ).

Phil Spector at the Ziggy Stardust Court for the Theatrically Insane

Meanwhile, ex-drummer Marky Ramone is scheduled to play Tel Aviv in early January. My advice, play your ass off Marky! Do it for Joe "Mama" Besser, Peter "James" Bond, Eric Childs, "Stumpy Joe" Pepys, Viv Savage, Mick Shrimpton, Ric Shrimpton, and Virtual Reality (the computer drummer).

Marky Representing - No Fucking Hole in the Sheets!

Oddly enough, in a clairvoyant moment Spinal Tap front man David St. Hubbins was once quoted as saying, "The most ironic thing would be if we all dropped dead one day on stage, except for the drummer." Who knew he was referring to the Five Borrough's Finest.

Third Verse Different from the First,

-TRM

"The Bourne Ultimatum"

Directed by Paul Greengrass
USA, 2007

I thought Matt Damon was great and all in Team America, but I'm happy to report that he's even more lifelike in this $5 matinée smash-'em-up still screening at the Arlington Theater. This was a nice flick to catch on my day off to be sure, but the Phoenix's hailing of it as a "deep" political thriller shot under the shadow/shame of post-Abu Ghraib U.S. self-reflection made me want to spit up $4 latté ice cubes every time Damon-as-Bourne turned to his white boy kung-fu to get out of trouble (OK, so I wasn't really drinking Fair Trade coffee at the time, but you get the point). Note to Hillary and Obama: the IMDb lists "kicked in the face" as one of the "hot keywords" for this lefty message movie!