Elitist Fraternity Scumbag

Dear Readers,

I've been meaning to write something about today's topic for many years, and finally decided to post this idea today. In the world of bad/classic 80's films, many people think of these typical John Hughes films -- The Breakfast Club (yawn), Sixteen Candles (or what I'm willing to watch for some serious date payback), (the highly overrated) Ferris Bueller, and Pretty In Pink (or what I'm not willing to watch for any payback -- Fuck Duckie). Said simply, these films suck. They all espouse some cheap philosophical chicanery that only gullible teenagers could find enlightenment in. Oh, if only we could all pretend to be Abe Froman the sausage king of Chicago for a day (I'm looking at you Broderick!), right?

Well, I have an alternative list of bad/classic 80's films that I would like to talk about today. Personally, I have to laugh every time I see or think of these four films, and not for obvious reasons. The films are Back to School, The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, and European Vacation. Welcome to Zabka-Fest '07!



Each of these movies has William "Billy" Zabka as the bad guy -- you know, the blond haired dude with the attitude who was always the school bully. Everyone knows who he was in the Karate Kid -- Johnny, the guy who causes all the trouble for Daniel. However, I always felt his best performance was when he played Chas Osborne in Back to School. It is easily the most annoying character ever created! Some people commonly think he was also in Better Off Dead, but that was a different actor playing the part of Roy Stalin. Zabka would have pulled this part off perfectly as well, but alas he did not co-star in this masterpiece.

Amazingly, someone has put together a video montage of Zabka's 80's exploits on YouTube, but unfortunately it is missing all the great dialog because it is overdubbed with this awful song written about the Karate Kid. Oddly enough, Zabka actually wrote and directed the video of the same song, and cast himself in it as a Raising Arizona knockoff. It is kind of nice to know the dude has a sense of humor -- I guess it sucks being typecast. In the video he even gets run over by the real Ralph Macchio. As a side note, he actually co-wrote a short film that was nominated for an Oscar in 2003.

By the way, the best lines ever uttered in Back to School are actually listed in the memorable quotes section of the Internet Movie Database, and I wanted to include it here.

Chas: [limping off the diving board ] I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week.
Jason Melon: It's probably menstrual.
Chas: Screw you, Melon!

I'm serious. This is really funny. So when you're looking for real enlightenment, just throw in Rodney and Back to School, and I guarantee you'll laugh every time Chas gets pissed off. They should make that into a drinking game!

-TRM

Owen Wilson - A Life Remembered

Dear Readers,

How awesome is this -- the Wikipedia has already published all the undisclosed information regarding Owen Wilson's unconfirmed suicide attempt. Since the details are sparse, I'm going to hazard a guess as to why he tried to take his life -- his brother's performance in My Super Ex-Girlfriend. This might be one of the worst films I've ever indirectly paid for. So I wanted to thank HBO for keeping this one away from Telemundo (dios mio), and proving to me that Ivan Reitman hasn't done anything good since Ghostbusters. Eddie Izzard, what were you thinking?

Back to Owen. The Associated Press is also reporting that this will not hurt his career (too bad since I can't remember a movie I liked him in -- or -- what will Jackie Chan do? -- or what will Ben Stiller do?), which is really helpful in this situation considering he needs to promote his new Wes Anderson film. Perhaps the additional PR will give him a contractual out for doing Conan. Secretly, I'm still hoping he'll play Derek Lowe in the 2004 Red Sox movie.

.

Faithfully yours,

-TRM

Swinging TV

Dear Readers,

While browsing the Times late last week, I found another story that really intrigued me. It appears that the New York International Fringe Festival is currently presenting a play about Hillary Clinton being President. What I love about this particular stage drama is that Hillary is being played by Priscilla Barnes of Three's Company fame. This brings a few things to mind that I'd like to talk a little about.

Before I start I'd like to preemptively state that I fully support women running for President, even though I am not completely happy that Hillary is the Democratic front runner. To be perfectly honest, I'd prefer to see someone other than a Bush or Clinton in the White House. It is definitely a good time for some new ideas, and we don't need another lesson in Monica studies. OK, with that out of the way, I'll get started.

First, my congratulations to Priscilla Barnes. I was absolutely shocked to read that she is currently performing in somewhat serious theater. I honestly expected that if she was still acting that it would have been in a dinner theater in Boca Raton where they regularly perform an all female version of 1776. You haven't lived until you've seen their John Hancock. The last time I saw Ms. Barnes was in a part was in Kevin Smith's Mallrats, and thought her cameo was great if not unexpectedly revealing as a topless fortune teller. It had a Sharon Stone slumming it kind of feeling, which current cinema could use a lot more of.

In finding out that Ms. Barnes is playing Hillary, I started to wonder (using the associative property in mathematics) who Hillary might have been cast as had she been given a role in Three's Company. My conclusion was that she would be Larry's unseen wife (for the young readers Larry was a swinging guy who had a mostly unbuttoned shirt, plenty of chest hair, and not above the occasional key party). Now, I know what you're thinking, Larry didn't have a wife -- he was too busy trying to score with twin stewardesses, right? Well, it just so happens that (in my mind) he had a bit too much to drink one night at the Regal Beagle, and while trying to put the moves on one of the regulars his eye caught this bookish law student sitting alone. Apparently, she just got into a fight with her ex-boyfriend, a chap named Willie Jeff, and decided to move her studies to the local drinking hole. Larry provided a shoulder to cry on and a few fruity cocktails as well. Needless to say, the charm worked, and they went back to his place to consummate their newly established relationship where he promptly gave her the clap. Or at least that's what she thought she heard while Larry was talking to Jack in the other room. As it turns out they were really talking about how Larry got a clap from Janet when he mistakenly fell on Crissy. Hillary then forced him to marry her, and had it annulled when she discovered that he was romantically involved with Mr. Furley. This was followed by a shot of Mr. Roper (Norman Fell) directly looking into the camera and smiling.

Classic.

Intelligent Design? or Hey, Hey, We're the Monkeys.

Dear Readers,

I recently read online that the Cavemen TV show that is set to premiere on ABC shortly is causing quite a bit of controversy. You know the commercials, well now those clueless cromagnons from Geico now have a half hour sitcom. Apparently, there are quite a few people out there who think the concept comes across as racist and not just unfunny (as expected).

Now, I'm not writing about this because of network insensitivity towards minorities (in this instance it is a stretch to say the least -- unless Imus is the first guest star), but rather because I am shocked that a network would purchase the rights of an advertising concept to create a show -- granted, the Monkees were pretty fucking close (even Mike Nesmith knew that). So, I have decided to suggest a few other shows based on advertisements.

Tony The Tiger from Frosted Flakes - Tony "The Tiger" Thompson is a former teacher who becomes a Miami drug dealer, gets busted, and has to teach English to juvenile delinquents as part of his plea bargain. The title: Alliteration Nation - Tony the Tiger Totally Tries to Teach Teenagers to Traverse Tumultuous Travails.

Toucan Sam from Froot Loops - "Toucan" Samuel Diego is a Panamanian drug lord competing with other crime syndicates to be the largest supplier of Cocaine in North America. The show will be called Subbacultcha based loosely on the Pixies song.

The Pillsbury Doughboy - Everyone's favorite raw chef will star in either a genre splice where he is a vampire detective named John "Crescent" Roll who only fights crime at night due to his obvious albino-like skin condition entitled Bad Crescent Rising, or as an up and coming porn actor named John Dough tentatively called Glaze or potentially the more subversive Hot Cross Buns.

Joe Camel - Will play an out of work actor willing to do anything to make it as a sugar cereal spokesman. The show will be produced by HBO and is titled 53rd & 3rd named after Deedee Ramone's autobiographical song. Unfortunately, Deedee's rap song was the only tune available for the soundtrack. Lindsey Lohan is attached to be the sidekick. For a laugh, click on the Dee Dee Rap.

-TRM

Casper and Johnston

For those interested in hearing Johnston sing Casper, just click:

Separated at Birth?

Dear Readers,

After watching the Devil and Daniel Johnston, I have decided to suggest the casting for Hollywood's take on the documentary. For the young Daniel, I think Sam Rockwell would kick ass. Granted, the picture I supplied of Rockwell is a little "too cool for school," but I believe his performance as Chuck Barris in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind will convince you. As for the older Johnston who was institutionalized many times over the years, I'd like to suggest Jon Lovitz. I admit, this one is a little out there, but trust me! If I'm not convincing you with the photos, just turn on his small cameo in the Wedding Singer. If you are unsure of who Daniel Johnston is, you can check out www.hihowareyou.com. His famous Casper the Ghost song lyrics will be posted in the next section. Rock On!

A Young Johnston and Sam Rockwell








An older Johnston and Jon Lovitz