Fantasy Football: O.J. vs. Jack the Ripper

Since O.J. Simpson has just added another felony arrest to his long resume of questionable activities, our Sports Department has decided that now's as good a time as any to file a report on the startling similarities between the Juice and Saucy Jack:

#1) O.J. won the Heisman trophy playing for a school known as USC; Jack the Ripper became notorious after a killing spree in the has-been colonial empire known as the U.K.
#2) Link Wray once wrote an instrumental song called "Jack the Ripper"; O.J. often appears in public wearing Ray-Ban sunglasses
#3) Many of the Ripper's killings took place in the area of London known as Whitechapel; one of the running backs who followed in Simpson's footsteps at "Tailback U" was named Charles White
#4) Orenthal James is sometimes called "the Juice" for his breakfast beverage initials of O.J.; it's well known that British people always like orange marmalade on their scones and crumpets when they break for high tea
#5) Jack the Ripper was notorious for killing prostitutes; many people thought that Kato Kaelin actually looked like a male prostitute
#6) In addition to his Hertz commercials, O.J. also appeared in such forgettable ventures as The Towering Inferno and Dragnet 1967; if the Lumiere brothers had invented film by that time, you would have found out that Jack probably couldn't act either
#7) After a jury let him off the hook for the alleged murder of his ex-wife, Simpson was quoted as saying that he would never rest until the "real" murderer was caught and punished; Jack the Ripper never turned himself in either, but he might have spent more time on the croquet course than the putting green for all we know at this point.