Chewchilla Rules!

Dear Readers,

To properly welcome the holidays, I have decided to give you all a quick and early Kwanzaa present by skipping the candle-lighting and pouring of libations, which eventually culminates in a feast and go straight to the gift giving! After watching R-Lo's crudely shot marionette on marionette digestive action, I decided to dig up the most blasphemous 70's parody of all time. Before Star Wars became the bible of science fiction (in six parts with new and old testament trilogies) there was Hardware Wars! This YouTube segment comes in two parts, and is well worth your "three bucks!" Please note the Ramone wannabe Ham Salad character, and the Wumpus mixed with the Warren "The Ape" precursor known as Chewchilla.

Habari Gani!

-TRM

Best Dim Sum Ever!

The Red Man being a huge fan of the marionette industry and Z being an equally big fan of boss '50s style r&r as played in the here and now, I have no choice but to draw your attention to the greatest genre splice ever. For a good time, press play below for the Kid Khan and BBQ Show's "Waddlin' Around":

I'm Back You Fucking Baby!

After 4 unbelievably trying months, I am back online, and therefore, "Blog, Blog, Bloggity BLOG!" You can read all about the saga of my last 4 months on my personal blog, "IN THE 'BUFF", but for now, I want to write about my truest love, Diablo Cody.

Earlier today I got an email from our blogging benefactor, The Red Man. He just discovered DC, and thought she was my perfect woman. Well, I had two thoughts, A) TRM is quite astute, and B)No shit, I've been reading her blog "Pussy Ranch" for years on citypages.com. Who wouldn't be in love with a beautiful, foulmouthed, ex stripper who happens to be the most entertaining writer around, and recently penned the feature film,"Juno". Duh...

I spend a lot of time in the Twin Cities, and constantly fantasize about lining up behind DC in a Coffee Shop, and pinching her ass to get her attention. I think she might just dig that.

So anyway, you should check out her blog, see her movie, and if you run into her, tell her to give me a call.

Respectfully submitted,
Z

PS - Don't piss me off!!

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!

You've seen him in Amadeus -- and maybe in the Mighty Aphrodite? Now, get ready to ask him to give you a tip Liotta-style!

F. Murray Abrham in:

I'll Have What He's Having - Who, am I Kidding...is the Bread Free?
(Oh, and I'll have water too - yes, tap water)

Overactors Anonymous

"Before the Devil Knows You're Dead"
Directed by Sidney Lumet
USA, 2007

Rave reviews unexplainably abound for this contrived and soulless exercise in alinear storytelling, but Pulp Fiction and Memento this is not. In fact, this film probably has more telegraphed moves and fake "edginess" than anything else so critically well-received since Crash. More than one idiot online has actually compared Devil's bungled jewelry heist by brothers who look nothing at all alike plot to Greek tragedy, but the only connection there I can see is that Albert Finney, Ethan Hawke and even the usually-reliable Philip Seymour Hoffman will have you asking for "another cup of hemlock, please" after taking in their acting histrionics and correspondingly pained facial expressions for a couple of hours. Grade: "F" as in F. Murray Abraham Syndrome.

Lucky F-Bomb of the Month Nominee #2

Jeremy Piven is a great choice for somebody whose fame far exceeds his talent. In fact, outside of the Bush White House, he might be an unbeatable choice for said role. At least that's what I thought until I remembered the recent misfortunes of Isiah Lord Thomas III, commonly known by the nicknames "Zeke," "the baby-faced assassin" and "the worst GM in the NBA." That last one is really more a fact than a nickname, but you hear it so often it almost sounds like a bullet point on his resume at this point. Managerially speaking, he is a one-man Washington Generals waiting to be dunked on by Mitch Kupchak in the Meadowlark Lemon role.

There are a lot of bad coaches and GMs in sports, of course, so you might wonder why Isiah really deserves to be singled out. To put it bluntly, how does he out-Piven a Piven at his own game? One, he has been found liable of sexual harassment in a court of law. Two, his employer has had to pay an $11.6 million fine for these actions. Three, the Knicks continue to suck--in a basketball way, that is. I mean, think about it this way--if you had the highest payroll in basketball and a 33-49 coaching record, you'd probably be out of a job immediately. Add these "results" to a sexual harassment judgement against you and a multimillion dollar fine against your firm, and you would be pulling potato-peeling duty in the Green Zone--deservedly. Zeke is still pulling a paycheck, which makes him my nominee for Lucky F-Bomb of the Month for November. Nuff said.

Lucky Fuck of the Month

Dear Readers,

Since we're giving out awards this month, I'd like to nominate the first ever "Lucky Fuck of the Month" award recipient. The rules of this contest are simple, find someone you think is way luckier than their talent, and write a short essay on why they suck. The nominees will get posted in a poll, and then visitors can vote for their top choice.

To begin, I'll throw out a good one.

November Nominee #1: Jeremy Piven

Hey audience! Which picture above came first? You'd think it was the one on the left, but it happens to be the mostly bald one on the right. That's right, Jeremy Piven, my personal nominee for LFotM has mastered the art of regrowing hair. That's right ladies, underneath all those hair transplants, large quantities of minoxidil , and/or baboon hair extensions is Larry David's younger brother. I'm not sure what his appeal is or why he got the big Entourage role. I can only remember him in bit parts in the movie Heat and Grosse Pointe Blank, and now he's getting Emmy awards because of his newfound hair.

Is America really that shallow? Answer, yes.

Other nominees are welcome.

-TRM

Try Seeing the World Through My Eyes

Dear Readers,

I saw the previous post and felt I had to respond. Not to detract from the obvious zionist plot to create a mock Decline of Western Civilization II knock-off metal band entrusted to save the world -- crafty neocons! Rather, I would like to point out the uncanny likeness David Lee Roth shares with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy member Carson Kressley. That tells you a lot.

The Roth/Kressley Comparison

Now You Know I'm Serious

Well, I guess this means the prospect for Mideast peace through metal just got frillier, while also confirming that Judas Priest is just the tip of the iceberg.

Possible musically inspired Arabic responses could include:

Amadena-Bob

Pelvis Musharraf

Hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla boobuhla

hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla bop,

-TRM

The R-Lo Hall of Zeros and Heroes

Dear Readers,

In a classic tribute to the big man himself, I have decided to create a new topic here at Intravenusdemilo with regard to our friend and frequent contributor R-Lo. As many of you know, R-Lo is a bit of a renaissance man -- as a perpetual student, garage-rock music scholar, and gormandizer of the culinary arts. He also daylights as a part-time movie critic since his schedule occasionally allows for weekday matinées -- evidenced by his Bourne review earlier. Over the course of our friendship R-Lo has shared his opinion on a number of actors he has an odd fondness for or an obvious abhorrence. Some of which I would like to share in this entry. So without further fanfare here's my first list of inductees to the R-Lo Zeros and Heroes Hall of Fame.

The Heroes

James "Kimo" Wills:
Best Known For: The classic role of Dave in the Tao of Steve.
In this film Kimo convincingly portrays a "Stu", a less-than-suave ladies' man, and roommate to Dex a "Steve", and metaphorical Don Giovanni. Dex trains Dave who is -- "think Gomer Pyle" -- to become a Steve Austin or Steve McQueen wannabe through his rules on picking up chicks. The only problem is that while Dave apparently has success with the training, the audience is unsure what exactly changed with this character. The bottom line is, Kimo is fucking funny whether you believe the premise or not. Rent this movie, and drink a beer every time Kimo is on the scene.

Mike Schank:
Best Known For: His existence and the film American Movie.
Easily the greatest indie film/documentary side kick to ever bless the screen. He provides a lot of cheap laughs and even astounds onlookers with his guitar metal prowess. He would have been a college dormitory legend on just about any campus -- if only for a weekend. Somehow I get the feeling R-Lo would easily buy a few rounds just to talk to this guy knowing that it would provide material for a lifetime. Daniel Johnston eat your heart out! Plus -- as R-Lo would say, "I shit you not"-- , Schank's so down to earth he has posted his personal phone number and his number of days sober on the American Movie web site. OK, so maybe the suggested round of drinks might be a bit much, but they could definitely hang out and watch the Packers during Thanksgiving.

The Zeros

Oliver Platt
Best Known For: I'm not really sure.
To be honest, I don't have any clue as to why R-Lo is so anti-Platt, but I do know his appearance in a preview is an immediate film disqualification for future viewing. Even Platt's name in the credits is typically followed by an R-Lo "thumb's down" or an unexpected (for the uninitiated) laugh or heckle to his neighboring theatergoers. Secretly, I think R-Lo's issue here is that Platt could be cast as R-Lo in the R-Lo movie -- tentatively called "Dr. Strange-Lo or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Lake Placid."

Tom Wilkinson
Best Known For: The Full Monty and a host of other moderate films.
Again, I'm not really sure why R-Lo hates this guy considering he's never seen Wilkinson's critically acclaimed, but fairly eerie sex change movie "Normal." I would like to suggest that someone purchase this film as a Christmas present for R-Lo, and make sure he has his Clockwork Orange headgear on when Wilkinson starts caressing his new boobs. Trust me, he'll be begging for a movie starring Oliver Platt in no time.

That's it for this round.

-TRM

Curse of the Reverse Spinal Tap

Dear Readers,

I'm back from retirement and ready to dish!

A while back, I noticed that the remaining original members of The Ramones happened to be the drummers (and a few late additions to the band), and coined the term a "Reverse Spinal Tap" as Tap's legendary running joke had to do with the strange deaths surrounding their percussionists. Well, apparently the Ramones version of the curse is not limited to band memebers. The New York Times and various other news outlets reported this week that one of their former managers was found slain on Halloween. Clearly, this cannot be good new for Phil Spector who was last seen concentrating on being Phil Spector (I'm looking at you bald, hat wearin', tattooed, hysterical guy who disturbed my viewing of The Ramones documentary "End of the Century" ).

Phil Spector at the Ziggy Stardust Court for the Theatrically Insane

Meanwhile, ex-drummer Marky Ramone is scheduled to play Tel Aviv in early January. My advice, play your ass off Marky! Do it for Joe "Mama" Besser, Peter "James" Bond, Eric Childs, "Stumpy Joe" Pepys, Viv Savage, Mick Shrimpton, Ric Shrimpton, and Virtual Reality (the computer drummer).

Marky Representing - No Fucking Hole in the Sheets!

Oddly enough, in a clairvoyant moment Spinal Tap front man David St. Hubbins was once quoted as saying, "The most ironic thing would be if we all dropped dead one day on stage, except for the drummer." Who knew he was referring to the Five Borrough's Finest.

Third Verse Different from the First,

-TRM

"The Bourne Ultimatum"

Directed by Paul Greengrass
USA, 2007

I thought Matt Damon was great and all in Team America, but I'm happy to report that he's even more lifelike in this $5 matinée smash-'em-up still screening at the Arlington Theater. This was a nice flick to catch on my day off to be sure, but the Phoenix's hailing of it as a "deep" political thriller shot under the shadow/shame of post-Abu Ghraib U.S. self-reflection made me want to spit up $4 latté ice cubes every time Damon-as-Bourne turned to his white boy kung-fu to get out of trouble (OK, so I wasn't really drinking Fair Trade coffee at the time, but you get the point). Note to Hillary and Obama: the IMDb lists "kicked in the face" as one of the "hot keywords" for this lefty message movie!

"The Illusionist"

Directed by Neil Burger
USA, 2006

Bad facial hair (Edward Norton), bad acting (Paul Giamatti), really bad acting (Rufus Sewell). This chili cheese dog of a movie (directed by a Burger!) is so much fucking better than The Prestige that I'm not even gonna dwell on how much Jessica Biel's lovely pillow-like lips make me want to curl up and take a nap with her, the little minx. Now if Friday's David Copperfield warehouse investigation would only speed up and lead to an arrest already, this would truly be a great weekend for magic.

The New Belle and Sebastian -- Do You Like It?

Dear Readers,

I recently noticed that air guitar champion Ochi Dainoji Yosuke has basically ripped off Jack Black's classic Barry character from High Fidelity. There is more than a striking resemblance to their attire and jovial demeanor. As evidence, I submit both the tiger shirt pictures and two videos of each person in action. Judge for yourselves and submit an opinion vote on the right hand side of the page. Results will be posted shortly.

-TRM

Ochi Dainoji Yosuke at the 2007 Air Guitar Championship


Jack Black as Barry -- On a Monday Morning!

Fantasy Football: O.J. vs. Jack the Ripper

Since O.J. Simpson has just added another felony arrest to his long resume of questionable activities, our Sports Department has decided that now's as good a time as any to file a report on the startling similarities between the Juice and Saucy Jack:

#1) O.J. won the Heisman trophy playing for a school known as USC; Jack the Ripper became notorious after a killing spree in the has-been colonial empire known as the U.K.
#2) Link Wray once wrote an instrumental song called "Jack the Ripper"; O.J. often appears in public wearing Ray-Ban sunglasses
#3) Many of the Ripper's killings took place in the area of London known as Whitechapel; one of the running backs who followed in Simpson's footsteps at "Tailback U" was named Charles White
#4) Orenthal James is sometimes called "the Juice" for his breakfast beverage initials of O.J.; it's well known that British people always like orange marmalade on their scones and crumpets when they break for high tea
#5) Jack the Ripper was notorious for killing prostitutes; many people thought that Kato Kaelin actually looked like a male prostitute
#6) In addition to his Hertz commercials, O.J. also appeared in such forgettable ventures as The Towering Inferno and Dragnet 1967; if the Lumiere brothers had invented film by that time, you would have found out that Jack probably couldn't act either
#7) After a jury let him off the hook for the alleged murder of his ex-wife, Simpson was quoted as saying that he would never rest until the "real" murderer was caught and punished; Jack the Ripper never turned himself in either, but he might have spent more time on the croquet course than the putting green for all we know at this point.

Nimrod's Son or Why the Pixies Reunion was Better than the one the Smashing Pumpkins are Embarking On

Dear Readers,

Today I'd like to discuss my overall dissatisfaction with the Smashing Pumpkins "reunion" and compare it with the way The Pixies handled it -- a band that did it right. Allow me to give you 10 reasons why.

1. The Pixies didn't release any new material to jam down our collective throats.
2. All members of the Pixies showed up -- even though they don't completely get along.
3. The Pixies have a ton of good songs that people know and quite a few lesser known gems in their catalog .
4. The Pixies setlists were varied from show to show. This is a real bonus for a fan going to multiple shows.
5. The Pixies sold professionally recorded copies of their concerts on CD for a reasonable price.
6. Ticket prices for The Pixies were also reasonable -- even if it was in an arena.
7. Austin City Limits showed them on PBS for free during their tour -- take that Australian Pink Floyd!
8. The Newport Folk Festival had the Pixies as headliners. The Pumpkins would never be welcome.
9. The Pixies released three concert DVDs and contributed to one documentary during their tour. All are high quality.
10. The Pixies weren't annoying.

If you think this sounds like Pumpkins heresy -- it is. I have been listening and watching Pumpkins shows since the reunion, and while the stuff is slightly interesting it is definitely lacking something special. Here's a few reasons why:

1. I recently read that the replacement band members kind of look like the original ones if you squint while watching them on stage. It actually works.
2. I'd think this was less of a business move if I hadn't read that Billy Corgan walked off stage when people would ask for old songs when he toured with his solo album.
3. The set lists are almost identical from show to show.
4. A lot of the new album sounds like repackaged stuff from Billy's solo album.
5. The old songs on the setlists are boring.

So, if you're planning on seeing a retro music group from the 90's -- you'll have to wait for The Pixies do it again, or track down one of their cheap concert DVDs. You won't be disappointed.

-TRM

Opera Oasis Lost

Luciano Pavarotti, the "King of the High C's," died three days ago at the age of 71. This is a sad event, and the loss of probably the most important figure in the opera rock movement since Freddie Mercury. I mean to write a fitting post to celebrate this great figure once I polish off another bowl of my beloved spaghetti alla carbonara. So get off my freakin' back!

Respectfully submitted,
Z's ammiratore

P.S. Don't a piss-a me off!!

The El Duce-Cobain Connection

Paul David Hewson. Dave Matthews. Gordon Sumner. Is it any wonder that the youth of today are subjected to such bland music when even the musicians themselves have such vanilla names? Not convinced yet, elitist fraternity scumbag I-Pod shuffler? Well, how about these handles from the days when the music mattered?

#10) Jane Drano (pre-mersh Go-Gos)
#9) Richard Hell (Voidoids)
#8) Sue Catwoman (fan)
#7) John Doe (X)
#6) Hellin Killer (fan)
#5) Tomata du Plenty (Screamers)
#4) Poly Styrene (X-Ray Spex)
#3) Kid Congo Powers (Cramps, Gun Club)
#2) Lorna Doom (Germs)
#1) Glen Matlock (pre-Sid Vicious Sex Pistols)

Sorry, but D.J. Bonebrake (X) and Feargal Sharkey (Undertones) had to be left off the list for legal reasons (i.e. those are real names).

Loser Research Foundation

Dear Readers,

Just a quick one today. It has come to my attention that Roy Shildt (AKA Mr. Awesome) of King of Kong fame is in fact on You Tube. Check this video out for a laugh.

Your friend in Missle Command,

-TRM

Elitist Fraternity Scumbag

Dear Readers,

I've been meaning to write something about today's topic for many years, and finally decided to post this idea today. In the world of bad/classic 80's films, many people think of these typical John Hughes films -- The Breakfast Club (yawn), Sixteen Candles (or what I'm willing to watch for some serious date payback), (the highly overrated) Ferris Bueller, and Pretty In Pink (or what I'm not willing to watch for any payback -- Fuck Duckie). Said simply, these films suck. They all espouse some cheap philosophical chicanery that only gullible teenagers could find enlightenment in. Oh, if only we could all pretend to be Abe Froman the sausage king of Chicago for a day (I'm looking at you Broderick!), right?

Well, I have an alternative list of bad/classic 80's films that I would like to talk about today. Personally, I have to laugh every time I see or think of these four films, and not for obvious reasons. The films are Back to School, The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, and European Vacation. Welcome to Zabka-Fest '07!



Each of these movies has William "Billy" Zabka as the bad guy -- you know, the blond haired dude with the attitude who was always the school bully. Everyone knows who he was in the Karate Kid -- Johnny, the guy who causes all the trouble for Daniel. However, I always felt his best performance was when he played Chas Osborne in Back to School. It is easily the most annoying character ever created! Some people commonly think he was also in Better Off Dead, but that was a different actor playing the part of Roy Stalin. Zabka would have pulled this part off perfectly as well, but alas he did not co-star in this masterpiece.

Amazingly, someone has put together a video montage of Zabka's 80's exploits on YouTube, but unfortunately it is missing all the great dialog because it is overdubbed with this awful song written about the Karate Kid. Oddly enough, Zabka actually wrote and directed the video of the same song, and cast himself in it as a Raising Arizona knockoff. It is kind of nice to know the dude has a sense of humor -- I guess it sucks being typecast. In the video he even gets run over by the real Ralph Macchio. As a side note, he actually co-wrote a short film that was nominated for an Oscar in 2003.

By the way, the best lines ever uttered in Back to School are actually listed in the memorable quotes section of the Internet Movie Database, and I wanted to include it here.

Chas: [limping off the diving board ] I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week.
Jason Melon: It's probably menstrual.
Chas: Screw you, Melon!

I'm serious. This is really funny. So when you're looking for real enlightenment, just throw in Rodney and Back to School, and I guarantee you'll laugh every time Chas gets pissed off. They should make that into a drinking game!

-TRM

"Little Dieter Needs to Fly"

Directed by Werner Herzog
USA, 1997

I love almost all the Herzog films I've seen so far, but I decided to skip the recent Rescue Dawn after finding out it was only a remake of one of the filmmaker's earlier docs. While I'm still not really interested in seeing Hollywood actors "interpret" this story, I gotta say that Little Dieter Needs to Fly--the director's original take on the material--makes me wonder whether I made the right choice. Excellent 75-minute jobber (part of the ace 2004 Werner Herzog Collection on Anchor Bay Entertainment) follows subject/protagonist Dieter Dengler to hell and back from a WWII childhood spent being bombed by allied warplanes, on to a postwar Germany where the poor were reduced to eating boiled wallpaper for the nutrients in the paste, over to the U.S. for a teenage relocation and eventual citizenship--and almost immediately into POW status after being shot down over Laos for his new country in 1966. While no Woody Harrelson-lookalikes get eaten onscreen by bears here, the riveting true story of Dengler's incredible jungle escape, miraculous avoidance of an early death at every turn, and subsequent lust for life (above all, for the freedom of flying) is yet more proof that Herzog is the man when it comes to making an oddly affecting documentary. Yeah.