The Prids

On a recent trip to Portland, OR, my librarians and I were sitting in a bar when we met Maile, the keyboard player, and newest member of the Prids. We had a wonderful time hanging out with her and her friends, sharing drinks and talking Punk Rock. Maile is several years younger then my crowd, but Punk Rock unites! To quote our heroine of this particular post, "I don't care that you guys are old, you are totally cool." Believe me Maile, we'll take the compliment. We think you're pretty neat too.

Maile was totally excited about a California tour that was going to start later that week, and was trying to convince my Bay Area librarians to see their show. Unfortunately I was shocked to find out that the tour was cut short by a horrible accident, as their van blew a tire and they were all injured to various degrees. Rumor has it that they have all survived and have been released from the hospital, thank Christ. But, as is often the case, kids in bands don't have health insurance, and these kids have some serious injuries. So, I ask you to consider visiting their website theprids.com. There you will find a link to donate, to help with medical expenses. I was heartened to find that there are kids like Maile to keep punk rock alive for her generation, as well as us old farts. So, I'm donating.

And Maile, I think I can speak for my librarians when I say we all loved meeting you, we all hope you get better soon, and keep rockin out.

Love,
Z

PS - The attached video of the Prids is prior to Maile's tenure in the band, but ironicaly and surprisingly features an old college friend of mine dancing in the video. He's the guy after the blond, following the two punks slamming.

Family Guy Hall of Fame

Mcconaughey! Need I say more?

-TRM

The Most Dangerous Game

The Most Dangerous Game (1999 DVD)
Directed by Ernest B. Schoedsack and Irving Pichel
USA, 1932
In English

I hadn't seen this movie since I was a kid, but I became super interested in seeing it again after it was mentioned a couple of times in David Fincher's riveting 2007 true crime epic Zodiac. Oft considered something of a dress rehearsal for King Kong both because of the people involved and its use of that cool Kong set, The Most Dangerous Game takes a genuinely creepy idea--man hunting man for sport--from Richard Connell's prize-winning short story, throws in some creaky anthropological observations about civilization and savages, and then milks the subject for all the entertainment value it's worth. Joel McCrea is OK in his starring role as American sportsman-turned-survivalist Bob Rainsford and Fay Wray is sufficiently swoon-worthy as the damsel in distress/jungle eye candy Eve Trowbridge, but it's Leslie Banks' crazy Count Zaroff who gets all the juicy lines and close-ups in this game of island bloodsport he memorably equates with a round of "outdoor chess." To my surprise, the film provides way more of an adrenaline rush than I'd ever remembered: a lean 63 minutes of thrills and adventure that'll make you pity anybody who's ever had to suffer through a Lucas or Spielberg movie at nearly twice that length. But I digress. (http://www.criterion.com/)

A rarely-seen still in which R-Lo comforts Fay Wray and hopes his wife doesn't find out about it!

Sick and Twisted's Best

Dear Readers,

If you've never seen these two videos of Don Hertzfeldt's classic animation shorts, you can thank me for posting them here today. I have a feeling that those of you who have seen these will be thanking me for adding them to the site as well.

Enjoy!

-TRM

You Sucked Mr. Peabody's Cock-Pitcher?

Dear Doctor,

It doesn't take a professional reading your rorschach test results to figure out what you'd like for your birthday. Too bad it isn't legal in this country, and you're too much of a xenophobe to venture outside. Amazingly, I could probably recommend a few David Lynch films to satisfy your primal needs, but you'd be too pent up to rent them. Perhaps we can have them sent in a plain brown wrapper.

For the rest of us, I suggest the diversion of watching a moose pull a rabbit out of a hat.

-TRM

Return to Gumbology

Dear Readers,

I'd like to add another chapter to the Gumby family legacy. Tonight instead of bringing you fetish-related material featuring huge fake boobs, a giant rapping, or a midget fucking (did I really have to connect the dots here?) -- I'd like to cut the tension a bit by bringing you Spamby. The cute hunk of meat that also substitutes as a slimy toy. No word on who its parents are.

-TRM

After Further Review -- No Stigmata

Dear Readers,

Carlin, in a dream, told me to come out of retirement again, and let you know that there is no fucking afterlife. The man was a modern day Jesus, and most of you wanted to censor him. So I dedicate this blog to the man who brought the oxymoron military intelligence to our attention and that he wouldn't fuck Dan Quayle's wife with a stolen dick (I'll let the hippy dippy weatherman slide). May he forever remind us of how fucked up we all are.

Sincerely,

TRM - on hour number seven of a thirteen hour HBO Carlin marathon -- I can't wait to see how it turns out!

Top 10 Reasons that I Have not Blogged Lately

10) I had a hangnail.
9) RLo is mean.
8) I see red when I see you.
7) Vertigo (the condition, not the movie).
6) Busy season at work.
5) Kucinich dropped out.
4) My IPod broke.
3) The dog ate my homework.
2) My favorite blogging shirt got ruined in the flood.
1) I was actually having sex with a live woman.

Reasons I'm back.

10) Cuticle scissors
9) RLo is mean.
8) It's 5 passed 2.
7) Vertigo (the movie, not the condition)
6) I hate my job.
5) Kucinich filed 38 articles of impeachment against Bush.
4) ITouch baby!
3) Coyotes in my yard.
2) Going el fresco!
1) Forced to go back online, yet again...poker anyone?

Don't piss me off.
Z

A Cottage on Dartmoor

A Cottage on Dartmoor (2007 DVD)
Directed by Anthony Asquith
UK, 1929
Silent with English intertitles

Although it's probably only a matter of time before fun nazi/jingoistic xenophobe Dr. Demented starts his usual bitching and moaning about never even having heard of this movie before (apparently the good Doktor limits his "film research" to waiting for recommendations from The View and/or pining for his idol Rex Reed), the more cinematically adventurous among you are invited to read on for a few words in praise of this early British thriller. While deemed "Hitchcockian" by more than a couple of online pogues, A Cottage on Dartmoor actually seems to have its own take on the manhunt-for-an-escaped-convict-on-the-lam genre that Sir Alfred almost singlehandedly made famous among the fish-and-chips eating peoples of the world. The story is told in flashback after barber Joe (Uno Henning) falls in love with but is then dissed by his lovely coworker Sally (Norah Baring, a cutie), leading to an unfortunate "accident" involving Sally's new fiancé (Hans Adalbert Schlettow) and a straight razor (played by itself) that's held to his throat a tad too closely. Asquith's visual style (featuring paired shots dissolving into each other and juxtapositions of barbershop chatter about sports with location shots taken at different sporting events) and sense of mischievousness (Joe's silent movie path down the slippery slope of terminal stalkerdom begins when Sally goes on a date to a "talkie" filled with Embassy Cinema-like bluehairs and a bigtime snorer like Z in attendance) keep you guessing where things will lead next, a nice surprise considering how many 21st century tales of jealousy and revenge have their outcomes given away in the course of the fucking trailer. Nice. (http://www.kino.com/)

The Short and the Short of It

Dear Readers,

It has come to my attention that fake youngster and real life security guard, Gary Coleman, is looking to settle his marital woes on TV's Divorce Court. So, this poses an important question -- Divorce Court is still on TV? I guess the Coleman's were saving this little nugget for sweeps, which led seemingly normal columnists from Salt Lake City to brand this marriage a sham. As if they've never seen any abhorrent marital practices out there before. That's a little screwy, eh? Even more outrageous, Coleman still claims he's a virgin -- as if that's not the oldest trick in the book. Nothing beats a pity lay, right Gary?

My suggestion GC-- start hanging with Michael Jackson. You were meant for each other.

-TRM

Strat-O-Magic: Who's The Real Pitcher

Dear Readers,

That's right, the original Red Man is back from retirement to put DD in his proverbial place by throwing strikes with the biggest cock pitcher known to man. The sheer volume of liquid this jug holds puts all artificially enhanced bimbos to shame. You should have known better than to post like you're leaning into a pitch and instead ask for a demotion to little league because this hurler owns you.

-TRM

*Photo courtesy of the Maltese-esque high school crime drama Brick, which earned an R-Lo "super-good" rating back in 2006.

German Expressionism Collection #2

The Hands of Orlac (2008 DVD)
Directed by Robert Wiene
Austria, 1924

Until recently unknown to all but hep People's Enlightenment and Propaganda minister Doktor Demented and the other Access Hollywood enthusiasts in his immediate family, The Hands of Orlac was actually the prototype for the psycho-sexual subgenre in which an acclaimed concert pianist loses both hands in a horrific accident, gets new mitts transplanted from a recently-executed murderer's corpse, and then suffers bad thoughts and spectral visitations galore when he realizes that he can't mack on his special lady friend with non-criminal paws anymore. If not quite as "writhing with sexual innuendo and Freudian imagery" as the good folks at Kino promise, der DVD is still an eminently watchable genre film with a couple of cool characters (incl. one walking around with a visible guillotine wound across his throat!) and a spectacular night-time train wreck scene seemingly shot by torchlight (take that, modern special effects whizzes!). As an added bonus, Herr Conrad Veidt's unfortunately-coiffed, reptilian Orlac never once mentions either Orny Adams or David Cross despite line after line of sexually-ambiguous "dialogue." (http://www.kino.com/)

The trailer for 1935's Orlac-inspired Mad Love.

German Expressionism Collection #1

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2008 DVD)

Directed by Robert Wiene

Germany, 1919

Although I hate to interrupt our other bloggers' continuous celebration of bald comedians and hirsute Big Lebowski lookalikes, I wanted to send out a telepathic high five to anyone and everyone at Kino International for the great German Expressionism Collection four-DVD box set they just put out this month. To be honest, I've only really watched The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari so far; however, finally getting to see this silent film masterpiece Saturday after years of avoiding it for no good reason would've been worth the $59.99 price of admission all by its lonesome.

I'm not going to bother reviewing the film in depth because you can find plenty of that shite elsewhere, Jack. As many of you already know, it's a frame story about a string of killings that involves a traveling village fair, a crazed Freud-like doctor, his henchman/sleepwalking patient Cesare, and various other characters seemingly straight out of the loony bin. The anti-authoritarian action unfolds in a relatively brief and delirious 75 minutes, and I'll bet top dollar that you'll feel that you got your money's worth from both the acting (exaggerated for effect, natch) and the script (handsomely translated into a simple English that even people who date roller derby girls should be able to follow).

While silent film hottie Lil Dagover is absolutely luscious jackson in the role of the somnambulist bait, the true beauty in the film is the set itself. I don't know how much Hermann Warm, Walter Reimann, and Walter Röhrig were paid for their art direction or how much Willie Hameister earned for his cinematography, but they were all clearly tremendously underpaid. Wiene's ghostly world of odd geometric shapes, angular architecture, and beautiful shadows is truly dreamlike, and I don't mean that dimestore surrealism of modern directors who lamely try and inject "mood" into their films by putting sub-new wave crap like Oingo Boingo on their sorry-ass soundtracks. In other words, fuck Danny Elfman and the horse he rode in on and long live The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari!

( http://www.kino.com/ )

The Name Says It All

Dear R-Lo,

Are you really surprised that In the Valley of Ellah was a so-so film? The director's name says it all: Paul HAGGIS -- a Scottish dish with variable recipes, most of which have in common the following ingredients: sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours.

Oddly enough, that still doesn't properly explain that shit film Crash, but it does clarify the casting of Sandra Bullock.

-TRM

Shark Sandwich or Why Google Matters Part I

Dear Readers,

What the fuck is going on around here? It is hard to imagine, but looks to be an absolute fact that comics and their management companies have a lot of time on their hands. For those of you unaware of what I'm talking about, the blessed Doctor received yet another seemingly real response to a posting -- this time from the original Gallagher's promotion crew. So I have to ask -- is there some Google search engine that allows comedic hacks to search for anything new about themselves online? The odds must be pretty long for both Gallagher and Orny Adams to find The Doctor's IVDM half-assed kneepad-Lewinsky-suckfest pulled straight from Wikipedia within 24 hours of posting (I shit you not), but here we are in this Freakonomics twilight zone I call "the now". I guess this means Michael Richards' people are just about finished reading the hate blogs, and are ready to pitch some new ideas to the Transylvania 6500 star (hopefully with filming locations in Watts, Compton, D.C., and Harlem -- call it the 2008 Apology Tour).

So, to properly combat The Doctor's satire taken for honesty, I'd like to mention an actual comedic genius that I would like to thank right here. Marc Maron is easily one of the best comics out there today. I recently purchased his two albums off of ITunes, and found them to be really funny. His book Jerusalem Syndrome is also a great read, and was given to me as a gift a few years ago. It still sits in my bookshelf today. So Marc, if you or your agent is reading this -- thanks for the great work. I've even posted a solid YouTube clip for those of you who have never seen his act.

Sincerely,

-TRM

Chipmunk Punked

Dear Readers,

The doctor did, in fact, unveil the dark secret that David Cross was indeed a cast member of the critically annihilated Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. I have known about this for some time, and was actually hoping Cross was using the proceeds to put out a great stand-up album. I'm still hanging in there, but admit this is a serious blow to my standing in the taste department. So Mr. Cross, I'm begging you not to become a guilty pleasure as I have been looking down on so many people for not getting Mr. Show.

In his defense, Cross is not the first person to get hoodwinked by the Chipmunk brand.

-TRM

Track Listing

1. "Call Me" (D. Harry/G. Moroder) – 3:11
2. "Refugee" (T. Petty/M. Campbell) – 3:07
3. "Frustrated" (D. Fieger/B. Averre) – 2:54
4. "You May Be Right" (W. M. Joel) – 4:03
5. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" (F. Mercury) – 2:47
6. "My Sharona" (D. Fieger/B. Averre) – 4:03
7. "How Do I Make You...?" (B. Steinberg) – 2:23
8. "Good Girls Don't" (D. Fieger) – 3:13
9. "Let's Go" (R. Ocasek) – 3:35

Obviously You Are Not A Golfer

Julian Schnabel on his way to meet Walter and Donnie at Lebowski Fest '08. All arrangements were booked on his Ralph's card.

Less Crappy Than "Crash," Not as Famous as "A Few Good Men"

In the Valley of Elah (2008 DVD)
Directed by Paul Haggis
USA, 2007

In the Valley of Elah is way less crappy than Crash was, perhaps because the acting "talents" of Sandra Bullock and Brendan Fraser weren't available for this film. While leads Tommy Lee Jones and Charlize Theron struggle valiantly to rise above the pitfalls in the script, in the end their performances are mostly wasted since the second half of the movie turns into a pedestrian murder mystery as lame and superficial as one of Dr. Demented's TV posts. I'm guessing that many of you already know that "war can fuck with your head," but those who don't can step right up to have that point hammered into your heads with Spielbergian insistency from a director who honed his writing chops on such quality fare as Walker, Texas Ranger and The Facts of Life. Look it up, I shit you not. IVDM plot keywords: Male Chauvinism, Spielbergian Mallet, Stripper, Tom Cruise & Demi Moore & Jack Nicholson Movies, Two Upside Down American Flags, Not Good.

Culture Warriors Come Out to Play or Why Eighties TV is a Militant Fuck-Squad Sent to Mess with Your Head

"Too Eighties!" -- H.J. Simpson

Dear Readers,

I can honestly say that I feel sad for anyone that idolizes the punishment that is known as 80's TV. While I'd like to directly respond to my friend the Doctor's assertion that Sledge Hammer and Miami Vice were quality TV shows, I have instead decided that I will do my fan base a favor and quickly cover all his upcoming posts in an effort to thwart his master plan of franchising vomitoriums tentatively named Up-Bucks (editor's note: Dictionary.com actually said I'm using this inaccurately -- but you get the picture). So, without further fanfare I give you The Red Man's predictions for the Doctor's upcoming TV posts:

1. Double Trouble - 1984 series that lasted 16 episodes about twin sisters. These cuties were straight out of a Doublemint gum commercial, and right into R-Lo's wheelhouse (oddly enough they were little too old for Z). The Doctor's take on this one -- great show that would have gotten him through puberty had it lasted just a few more episodes.

2. Jennifer Slept Here -This show briefly ran from 1983 to 1984, and was about a house that a dead woman's ghost inhabited. Supposedly inspired by the film Poltergeist, this awful sitcom actually cracked the top 20 -- you gotta love Reaganomics and Oingo Boingo. The Doctor'll sell you on how inventive the plot was, and the inspired casting of Ann Jillian.

3. Golden Girls - Best remembered for the Doctor's first love -- Rue McClanahan. Be happy I spared you from Bea Arthur.

4. Facts of Life - Technically started in 1979, most will remember this important series as an 80's show. While it launched Clooney's career towards the end (you doubt my veracity?), the Doctor best remembers it for his second love -- Nancy McKeon as Jo.

5. The Love Boat - The Doctor's favorite bedtime soap opera. "I wonder what hijinks Gopher will get into tonight!"

Well, that's about it for this post. I'm sure I've sickened you faster than free Arby's at an Orny show. Other 80's shows that didn't make the cut but might be the subject of future posts are Mama's Family, The Land of the Lost, and the TV movie Ernest Goes to Borgnine. I didn't want you to think I might have missed something.

-TRM

When Red States Were Cool, Daddy-o

John Lennon might've been the dirtiest hippie there ever was outside of the Grateful Dead's fatassed inner circle and maybe Pearl Jam roadies, but even he knew greatness when he heard it, covering two or three Arthur Alexander songs during his tenure in that undeservedly famous boy band of his from Liverpool. The Alabaman Alexander (1940-1993) is sometimes said to have been the only songwriter ever covered by the Beatles, the Stones, Bob Dylan and Elvis, but I wouldn't blame the guy too much for that since you can already hear the actual suffering in his voice. Anyway, as a sort of a sonic palate-cleanser for anyone out there still smarting from the Red Man's last burnout-laden post, here is reason # infinity why soul used to be called soulful: the magnificent "Soldier of Love." Enjoy.

ARTHUR ALEXANDER-"Soldier of Love" (1961)