It has come to my attention that fake youngster and real life security guard, Gary Coleman, is looking to settle his marital woes on TV's Divorce Court. So, this poses an important question -- Divorce Court is still on TV? I guess the Coleman's were saving this little nugget for sweeps, which led seemingly normal columnists from Salt Lake City to brand this marriage a sham. As if they've never seen any abhorrent marital practices out there before. That's a little screwy, eh? Even more outrageous, Coleman still claims he's a virgin -- as if that's not the oldest trick in the book. Nothing beats a pity lay, right Gary?
My suggestion GC-- start hanging with Michael Jackson. You were meant for each other.
That's right, the original Red Man is back from retirement to put DD in his proverbial place by throwing strikes with the biggest cock pitcher known to man. The sheer volume of liquid this jug holds puts all artificially enhanced bimbos to shame. You should have known better than to post like you're leaning into a pitch and instead ask for a demotion to little league because this hurler owns you.
-TRM
*Photo courtesy of the Maltese-esque high school crime drama Brick, which earned an R-Lo "super-good" rating back in 2006.
The Hands of Orlac (2008 DVD) Directed by Robert Wiene Austria, 1924
Until recently unknown to all but hep People's Enlightenment and Propaganda minister Doktor Demented and the other Access Hollywood enthusiasts in his immediate family, The Hands of Orlac was actually the prototype for the psycho-sexual subgenre in which an acclaimed concert pianist loses both hands in a horrific accident, gets new mitts transplanted from a recently-executed murderer's corpse, and then suffers bad thoughts and spectral visitations galore when he realizes that he can't mack on his special lady friend with non-criminal paws anymore. If not quite as "writhing with sexual innuendo and Freudian imagery" as the good folks at Kino promise, der DVD is still an eminently watchable genre film with a couple of cool characters (incl. one walking around with a visible guillotine wound across his throat!) and a spectacular night-time train wreck scene seemingly shot by torchlight (take that, modern special effects whizzes!). As an added bonus, Herr Conrad Veidt's unfortunately-coiffed, reptilian Orlac never once mentions either OrnyAdams or DavidCross despite line after line of sexually-ambiguous "dialogue." (http://www.kino.com/)
Although I hate to interrupt our other bloggers' continuous celebration of bald comedians and hirsute Big Lebowski lookalikes, I wanted to send out a telepathic high five to anyone and everyone at Kino International for the great German Expressionism Collection four-DVD box set they just put out this month. To be honest, I've only really watched The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari so far; however, finally getting to see this silent film masterpiece Saturday after years of avoiding it for no good reason would've been worth the $59.99 price of admission all by its lonesome.
I'm not going to bother reviewing the film in depth because you can find plenty of that shite elsewhere, Jack. As many of you already know, it's a frame story about a string of killings that involves a traveling village fair, a crazed Freud-like doctor, his henchman/sleepwalking patient Cesare, and various other characters seemingly straight out of the loony bin. The anti-authoritarian action unfolds in a relatively brief and delirious 75 minutes, and I'll bet top dollar that you'll feel that you got your money's worth from both the acting (exaggerated for effect, natch) and the script (handsomely translated into a simple English that even people who date roller derby girls should be able to follow).
While silent film hottie Lil Dagover is absolutely luscious jackson in the role of the somnambulist bait, the true beauty in the film is the set itself. I don't know how much Hermann Warm, Walter Reimann, and Walter Röhrig were paid for their art direction or how much Willie Hameister earned for his cinematography, but they were all clearly tremendously underpaid. Wiene's ghostly world of odd geometric shapes, angular architecture, and beautiful shadows is truly dreamlike, and I don't mean that dimestore surrealism of modern directors who lamely try and inject "mood" into their films by putting sub-new wave crap like Oingo Boingo on their sorry-ass soundtracks. In other words, fuck Danny Elfman and the horse he rode in on and long live The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari!
Are you really surprised that In the Valley of Ellah was a so-so film? The director's name says it all: Paul HAGGIS -- a Scottish dish with variable recipes, most of which have in common the following ingredients: sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours.
Oddly enough, that still doesn't properly explain that shit film Crash, but it does clarify the casting of Sandra Bullock.
What the fuck is going on around here? It is hard to imagine, but looks to be an absolute fact that comics and their management companies have a lot of time on their hands. For those of you unaware of what I'm talking about, the blessed Doctor received yet another seemingly real response to a posting -- this time from the original Gallagher's promotion crew. So I have to ask -- is there some Google search engine that allows comedic hacks to search for anything new about themselves online? The odds must be pretty long for both Gallagher and Orny Adams to find The Doctor's IVDM half-assed kneepad-Lewinsky-suckfest pulled straight from Wikipedia within 24 hours of posting (I shit you not), but here we are in this Freakonomics twilight zone I call "the now". I guess this means Michael Richards' people are just about finished reading the hate blogs, and are ready to pitch some new ideas to the Transylvania 6500 star (hopefully with filming locations in Watts, Compton, D.C., and Harlem -- call it the 2008 Apology Tour).
So, to properly combat The Doctor's satire taken for honesty, I'd like to mention an actual comedic genius that I would like to thank right here. Marc Maron is easily one of the best comics out there today. I recently purchased his two albums off of ITunes, and found them to be really funny. His book Jerusalem Syndrome is also a great read, and was given to me as a gift a few years ago. It still sits in my bookshelf today. So Marc, if you or your agent is reading this -- thanks for the great work. I've even posted a solid YouTube clip for those of you who have never seen his act.
The doctor did, in fact, unveil the dark secret that David Cross was indeed a cast member of the critically annihilated Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. I have known about this for some time, and was actually hoping Cross was using the proceeds to put out a great stand-up album. I'm still hanging in there, but admit this is a serious blow to my standing in the taste department. So Mr. Cross, I'm begging you not to become a guilty pleasure as I have been looking down on so many people for not getting Mr. Show.
In his defense, Cross is not the first person to get hoodwinked by the Chipmunk brand.
-TRM
Track Listing
"Call Me" (D. Harry/G. Moroder) – 3:11
"Refugee" (T. Petty/M. Campbell) – 3:07
"Frustrated" (D. Fieger/B. Averre) – 2:54
"You May Be Right" (W. M. Joel) – 4:03
"Crazy Little Thing Called Love" (F. Mercury) – 2:47
In the Valley of Elah (2008 DVD) Directed by Paul Haggis USA, 2007
In the Valley of Elah is way less crappy than Crash was, perhaps because the acting "talents" of Sandra Bullock and Brendan Fraser weren't available for this film. While leads Tommy Lee Jones and Charlize Theron struggle valiantly to rise above the pitfalls in the script, in the end their performances are mostly wasted since the second half of the movie turns into a pedestrian murder mystery as lame and superficial as one of Dr. Demented's TV posts. I'm guessing that many of you already know that "war can fuck with your head," but those who don't can step right up to have that point hammered into your heads with Spielbergian insistency from a director who honed his writing chops on such quality fare as Walker, Texas Ranger and The Facts of Life. Look it up, I shit you not. IVDM plot keywords: Male Chauvinism, Spielbergian Mallet, Stripper, Tom Cruise & Demi Moore & Jack Nicholson Movies, Two Upside Down American Flags, Not Good.
I can honestly say that I feel sad for anyone that idolizes the punishment that is known as 80's TV. While I'd like to directly respond to my friend the Doctor's assertion that Sledge Hammer and Miami Vice were quality TV shows, I have instead decided that I will do my fan base a favor and quickly cover all his upcoming posts in an effort to thwart his master plan of franchising vomitoriums tentatively named Up-Bucks (editor's note: Dictionary.com actually said I'm using this inaccurately -- but you get the picture). So, without further fanfare I give you The Red Man's predictions for the Doctor's upcoming TV posts:
1. Double Trouble - 1984 series that lasted 16 episodes about twin sisters. These cuties were straight out of a Doublemint gum commercial, and right into R-Lo's wheelhouse (oddly enough they were little too old for Z). The Doctor's take on this one -- great show that would have gotten him through puberty had it lasted just a few more episodes.
2. Jennifer Slept Here -This show briefly ran from 1983 to 1984, and was about a house that a dead woman's ghost inhabited. Supposedly inspired by the film Poltergeist, this awful sitcom actually cracked the top 20 -- you gotta love Reaganomics and Oingo Boingo. The Doctor'll sell you on how inventive the plot was, and the inspired casting of Ann Jillian.
3. Golden Girls - Best remembered for the Doctor's first love -- Rue McClanahan. Be happy I spared you from Bea Arthur.
4. Facts of Life - Technically started in 1979, most will remember this important series as an 80's show. While it launched Clooney's career towards the end (you doubt my veracity?), the Doctor best remembers it for his second love -- Nancy McKeon as Jo.
5. The Love Boat - The Doctor's favorite bedtime soap opera. "I wonder what hijinks Gopher will get into tonight!"
Well, that's about it for this post. I'm sure I've sickened you faster than free Arby's at an Orny show. Other 80's shows that didn't make the cut but might be the subject of future posts are Mama's Family, The Land of the Lost, and the TV movie Ernest Goes to Borgnine. I didn't want you to think I might have missed something.
John Lennon might've been the dirtiest hippie there ever was outside of the Grateful Dead's fatassed inner circle and maybe Pearl Jam roadies, but even he knew greatness when he heard it, covering two or three Arthur Alexander songs during his tenure in that undeservedly famous boy band of his from Liverpool. The Alabaman Alexander (1940-1993) is sometimes said to have been the only songwriter ever covered by the Beatles, the Stones, Bob Dylan and Elvis, but I wouldn't blame the guy too much for that since you can already hear the actual suffering in his voice. Anyway, as a sort of a sonic palate-cleanser for anyone out there still smarting from the Red Man's last burnout-laden post, here is reason # infinity why soul used to be called soulful: the magnificent "Soldier of Love." Enjoy.
After watching The US vs. John Lennon, a moderately entertaining VH-1 produced documentary about the late singer's battle to stay in the United States and ultimately lead to his "unrelated" assassination, I have decided to recap some of the worst moments I have seen in music related films.
1. The Pink Floyd in Pompeii - This pre-Dark Side of the Moon video is basically one large acid trip while watching the band play music alone in an amphitheater. Lowlights include David Gilmour making a song with a howling dog, and a two part version of the song Echoes.
2. The Smashing Pumpkins Viewphoria - This video created at the height of their popularity is amazingly sullen considering their financial aspirations were on the verge of becoming a reality. For those struggling artists looking to quit the business in disgust, skip right to the chapter that contains a mock British group therapy session that would be Spinal Tap worthy if it didn't seem so serious. It is obviously placed in the film for fun, but it comes off as highly annoying. Billy Corgan's "Over the Rainbow" a capella interlude during the final song, Silverfuck, which has been removed in the DVD version (probably for copyright purposes) used to be the negative clincher for the casual fan.
3. Led Zeppelin's The Songs Remain the Same - Easily the worst serious live footage ever committed to film. The band decided to weave these horrible dream sequences into the movie for "entertainment" purposes, which at best is confusing and at worst could easily be blamed for the bombings in Cambodia. Don't believe me? The film opens with producer Peter Grant, dressed as a gangster, who drives up to a house filled with people in rubber monster masks, and shoots them with an old-style machine gun. It only gets worse from there -- Robert Plant acts out a scene as a knight...you get the drift. Zeppelin shows their broad subject matter repertoire to the audience by playing songs with varying themes like:
Rock and Roll - about chicks The Song Remains the Same - about girls Rain Song - about the ladies Dazed and Confused - about women No Quarter - about a sex other than men Stairway to Heaven - about fairies and elves Moby Dick - presume it is about fairies and elves Whole Lotta Love - this one's for the ladies in the house Black Dog - Oh you women! Heart Breaker - are there any ladies left in the house? Since I've Been Loving You - hello ladies! Bron-Yr-Aur -fairies and elves Autumn Lake - not sure -- I'll go with women.
4. The Ramones End of the Century - An excellent documentary that really gives you insight into the band and the punk movement. It only makes the list due to the DeeDee rap, which can be found on YouTube, and has been posted on this site previously.
5. Kurt Cobain in Kurt and Courtney - A completely disjointed OJ-esque search for the real killer documentary that happens to be the first movie to review the singer's suicide. The film probably got more attention than it should have, and is a classically bad schlock-u-mentary. All you get is the sense of that if Cobain didn't commit suicide, he probably should have. Disclaimer: no Nirvana music was used in this film.
Well, that's about it for this edition of the best of the worst. Feel free to submit your own.
Here is a nice little psycho exam you can take. Apply the logic of the classic Sesame Street game above, and make your selection from the choices below.
A
B
C
D
If you chose A, you are either a racist, or a brother.
If you chose B, you are either a sexist, or a lesbian.
With Oscar season behind us, I thought it was necessary to finally reveal who I believe is the real life inspiration behind the Coen Brother's Dude character in the Big Lebowski. It is none other than artist/director Julian Schnabel -- check out his segment in Sketches of Frank Gehry for further confirmation. Submitted for your approval, below is a picture of Jeff Bridges in all his Lebowski poundage compared with a snapshot of Schnabel in full El Duderino attire (sans White Russian -- although there are a few interview scenes with a Brandy snifter). For those of you who want to point out that the Lebowski movie came out about eight years before the Gehry documentary, I am absolutely willing to entertain the idea that Schnabel is gearing up for Lebowski Fest, which is coincidentally scheduled for next week (has anyone checked his flight plans?).
Election (2007 DVD) Directed by Johnnie To Hong Kong, 2005 In Cantonese and Mandarin with English subtitles
You don't have to be an androidal, failed ex-presidential candidate with a limited knowledge of geography to admit that "Asia or China" has already passed us by as the real action-movie superpower. I don't have a beef with the competition, and neither should you. Election, in other words, is a solid flick, an old-fashioned gangster story set against the backdrop of Triad warfare in Hong Kong at just about the time the British were handing the city back to its previous owners. If the political overtones I've mentioned help to give the plot a little more depth than you might expect, the real joys in watching this DVD are in the fine acting, the succession of characters who are at once vaguely familiar and yet worlds apart from their US bad guy counterparts, and--above all--in the kinetic storytelling that's mostly lacking in American action films these days. Oh, yeah, and no Bruce Willis either. (http://www.tartanvideousa.com/)
I just found the only scene worth watching in the Comedy Central cult favorite The Hebrew Hammer. The film has a few decent moments, but it is mostly a dud to anyone who didn't go to Hebrew school (even that's a stretch). Two words best sum up why this is mostly unwatchable -- Andy Dick. In an odd coincidence it happened be Tobolowsky, in his own documentary, who emphasizes lameness by invoking Mr. Dick's name. Again, props to you Stephen.
A quick one for my buddy Long Island Davis! Below is one of the best Stephen Tobolowsky scenes committed to celluloid -- even if it is embedded in this half funny Mel Brooks movie (no offense to Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein). Long live Tobolowsky!
Consistently one of the best shows on NPR, "This Amercian Life" recently did a show on the subject of tough rooms. One crowd of harsh critics covered was the editorial board of the Onion, which apparently has the reputation of churning through 700 sample headlines before boiling their selections down to a handful per issue. If you're not familiar with the Onion, feel free to stop by their website -- The Onion dot com. The site even comes with a Z seal of approval for personal ad browsing, which should tell you a lot about the big guy. I mean, what's he looking for there, whether Orny's free tonight (speaking of tough rooms)?
The reason I bring up the Onion piece, is because I'd like to submit a few of my own sample headlines that you all are free to skewer.
Hitler's Brain Found in Minnesota, Announces Candidacy, Wants Cheney for VP
Desperate Hillary Strikes Back at Obama, Divorces Bill, Marries Oprah
McCain Proclaims He Too is Change Candidate, Eats Vietnamese Food While Smoking Cuban Cigar
Coulter Confesses to Long Term Joke, Admits to Being Gary Coleman in Battle Axe Costume
Romney Insiders Say He Would Have Focused on Presidency for Two Years and Spent Next Ones Investigating Run for Solar System Saviour
Revealed: In Final Written Statements Hussein Predicted Prolonged Iraq War and Indiana Lottery Numbers
Who needs Nascar and all that flag-waving, country music-loving, good ol' boy right-wing extremist bullshit when you can partake of some nonpartisan human crème brûlée (Miss Tahiti, 1998; Miss France, 1999) with your scale model racetrack songs below? Not me! Or as one enlightened wag on YouTube put it (spoiler alert), "If that skirt was any shorter, I would see a lot more ivy in the background."
