In the Valley of Elah (2008 DVD) Directed by Paul Haggis USA, 2007
In the Valley of Elah is way less crappy than Crash was, perhaps because the acting "talents" of Sandra Bullock and Brendan Fraser weren't available for this film. While leads Tommy Lee Jones and Charlize Theron struggle valiantly to rise above the pitfalls in the script, in the end their performances are mostly wasted since the second half of the movie turns into a pedestrian murder mystery as lame and superficial as one of Dr. Demented's TV posts. I'm guessing that many of you already know that "war can fuck with your head," but those who don't can step right up to have that point hammered into your heads with Spielbergian insistency from a director who honed his writing chops on such quality fare as Walker, Texas Ranger and The Facts of Life. Look it up, I shit you not. IVDM plot keywords: Male Chauvinism, Spielbergian Mallet, Stripper, Tom Cruise & Demi Moore & Jack Nicholson Movies, Two Upside Down American Flags, Not Good.
I can honestly say that I feel sad for anyone that idolizes the punishment that is known as 80's TV. While I'd like to directly respond to my friend the Doctor's assertion that Sledge Hammer and Miami Vice were quality TV shows, I have instead decided that I will do my fan base a favor and quickly cover all his upcoming posts in an effort to thwart his master plan of franchising vomitoriums tentatively named Up-Bucks (editor's note: Dictionary.com actually said I'm using this inaccurately -- but you get the picture). So, without further fanfare I give you The Red Man's predictions for the Doctor's upcoming TV posts:
1. Double Trouble - 1984 series that lasted 16 episodes about twin sisters. These cuties were straight out of a Doublemint gum commercial, and right into R-Lo's wheelhouse (oddly enough they were little too old for Z). The Doctor's take on this one -- great show that would have gotten him through puberty had it lasted just a few more episodes.
2. Jennifer Slept Here -This show briefly ran from 1983 to 1984, and was about a house that a dead woman's ghost inhabited. Supposedly inspired by the film Poltergeist, this awful sitcom actually cracked the top 20 -- you gotta love Reaganomics and Oingo Boingo. The Doctor'll sell you on how inventive the plot was, and the inspired casting of Ann Jillian.
3. Golden Girls - Best remembered for the Doctor's first love -- Rue McClanahan. Be happy I spared you from Bea Arthur.
4. Facts of Life - Technically started in 1979, most will remember this important series as an 80's show. While it launched Clooney's career towards the end (you doubt my veracity?), the Doctor best remembers it for his second love -- Nancy McKeon as Jo.
5. The Love Boat - The Doctor's favorite bedtime soap opera. "I wonder what hijinks Gopher will get into tonight!"
Well, that's about it for this post. I'm sure I've sickened you faster than free Arby's at an Orny show. Other 80's shows that didn't make the cut but might be the subject of future posts are Mama's Family, The Land of the Lost, and the TV movie Ernest Goes to Borgnine. I didn't want you to think I might have missed something.
John Lennon might've been the dirtiest hippie there ever was outside of the Grateful Dead's fatassed inner circle and maybe Pearl Jam roadies, but even he knew greatness when he heard it, covering two or three Arthur Alexander songs during his tenure in that undeservedly famous boy band of his from Liverpool. The Alabaman Alexander (1940-1993) is sometimes said to have been the only songwriter ever covered by the Beatles, the Stones, Bob Dylan and Elvis, but I wouldn't blame the guy too much for that since you can already hear the actual suffering in his voice. Anyway, as a sort of a sonic palate-cleanser for anyone out there still smarting from the Red Man's last burnout-laden post, here is reason # infinity why soul used to be called soulful: the magnificent "Soldier of Love." Enjoy.
After watching The US vs. John Lennon, a moderately entertaining VH-1 produced documentary about the late singer's battle to stay in the United States and ultimately lead to his "unrelated" assassination, I have decided to recap some of the worst moments I have seen in music related films.
1. The Pink Floyd in Pompeii - This pre-Dark Side of the Moon video is basically one large acid trip while watching the band play music alone in an amphitheater. Lowlights include David Gilmour making a song with a howling dog, and a two part version of the song Echoes.
2. The Smashing Pumpkins Viewphoria - This video created at the height of their popularity is amazingly sullen considering their financial aspirations were on the verge of becoming a reality. For those struggling artists looking to quit the business in disgust, skip right to the chapter that contains a mock British group therapy session that would be Spinal Tap worthy if it didn't seem so serious. It is obviously placed in the film for fun, but it comes off as highly annoying. Billy Corgan's "Over the Rainbow" a capella interlude during the final song, Silverfuck, which has been removed in the DVD version (probably for copyright purposes) used to be the negative clincher for the casual fan.
3. Led Zeppelin's The Songs Remain the Same - Easily the worst serious live footage ever committed to film. The band decided to weave these horrible dream sequences into the movie for "entertainment" purposes, which at best is confusing and at worst could easily be blamed for the bombings in Cambodia. Don't believe me? The film opens with producer Peter Grant, dressed as a gangster, who drives up to a house filled with people in rubber monster masks, and shoots them with an old-style machine gun. It only gets worse from there -- Robert Plant acts out a scene as a knight...you get the drift. Zeppelin shows their broad subject matter repertoire to the audience by playing songs with varying themes like:
Rock and Roll - about chicks The Song Remains the Same - about girls Rain Song - about the ladies Dazed and Confused - about women No Quarter - about a sex other than men Stairway to Heaven - about fairies and elves Moby Dick - presume it is about fairies and elves Whole Lotta Love - this one's for the ladies in the house Black Dog - Oh you women! Heart Breaker - are there any ladies left in the house? Since I've Been Loving You - hello ladies! Bron-Yr-Aur -fairies and elves Autumn Lake - not sure -- I'll go with women.
4. The Ramones End of the Century - An excellent documentary that really gives you insight into the band and the punk movement. It only makes the list due to the DeeDee rap, which can be found on YouTube, and has been posted on this site previously.
5. Kurt Cobain in Kurt and Courtney - A completely disjointed OJ-esque search for the real killer documentary that happens to be the first movie to review the singer's suicide. The film probably got more attention than it should have, and is a classically bad schlock-u-mentary. All you get is the sense of that if Cobain didn't commit suicide, he probably should have. Disclaimer: no Nirvana music was used in this film.
Well, that's about it for this edition of the best of the worst. Feel free to submit your own.
Here is a nice little psycho exam you can take. Apply the logic of the classic Sesame Street game above, and make your selection from the choices below.
A
B
C
D
If you chose A, you are either a racist, or a brother.
If you chose B, you are either a sexist, or a lesbian.
With Oscar season behind us, I thought it was necessary to finally reveal who I believe is the real life inspiration behind the Coen Brother's Dude character in the Big Lebowski. It is none other than artist/director Julian Schnabel -- check out his segment in Sketches of Frank Gehry for further confirmation. Submitted for your approval, below is a picture of Jeff Bridges in all his Lebowski poundage compared with a snapshot of Schnabel in full El Duderino attire (sans White Russian -- although there are a few interview scenes with a Brandy snifter). For those of you who want to point out that the Lebowski movie came out about eight years before the Gehry documentary, I am absolutely willing to entertain the idea that Schnabel is gearing up for Lebowski Fest, which is coincidentally scheduled for next week (has anyone checked his flight plans?).
Election (2007 DVD) Directed by Johnnie To Hong Kong, 2005 In Cantonese and Mandarin with English subtitles
You don't have to be an androidal, failed ex-presidential candidate with a limited knowledge of geography to admit that "Asia or China" has already passed us by as the real action-movie superpower. I don't have a beef with the competition, and neither should you. Election, in other words, is a solid flick, an old-fashioned gangster story set against the backdrop of Triad warfare in Hong Kong at just about the time the British were handing the city back to its previous owners. If the political overtones I've mentioned help to give the plot a little more depth than you might expect, the real joys in watching this DVD are in the fine acting, the succession of characters who are at once vaguely familiar and yet worlds apart from their US bad guy counterparts, and--above all--in the kinetic storytelling that's mostly lacking in American action films these days. Oh, yeah, and no Bruce Willis either. (http://www.tartanvideousa.com/)
I just found the only scene worth watching in the Comedy Central cult favorite The Hebrew Hammer. The film has a few decent moments, but it is mostly a dud to anyone who didn't go to Hebrew school (even that's a stretch). Two words best sum up why this is mostly unwatchable -- Andy Dick. In an odd coincidence it happened be Tobolowsky, in his own documentary, who emphasizes lameness by invoking Mr. Dick's name. Again, props to you Stephen.
A quick one for my buddy Long Island Davis! Below is one of the best Stephen Tobolowsky scenes committed to celluloid -- even if it is embedded in this half funny Mel Brooks movie (no offense to Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein). Long live Tobolowsky!
Consistently one of the best shows on NPR, "This Amercian Life" recently did a show on the subject of tough rooms. One crowd of harsh critics covered was the editorial board of the Onion, which apparently has the reputation of churning through 700 sample headlines before boiling their selections down to a handful per issue. If you're not familiar with the Onion, feel free to stop by their website -- The Onion dot com. The site even comes with a Z seal of approval for personal ad browsing, which should tell you a lot about the big guy. I mean, what's he looking for there, whether Orny's free tonight (speaking of tough rooms)?
The reason I bring up the Onion piece, is because I'd like to submit a few of my own sample headlines that you all are free to skewer.
Hitler's Brain Found in Minnesota, Announces Candidacy, Wants Cheney for VP
Desperate Hillary Strikes Back at Obama, Divorces Bill, Marries Oprah
McCain Proclaims He Too is Change Candidate, Eats Vietnamese Food While Smoking Cuban Cigar
Coulter Confesses to Long Term Joke, Admits to Being Gary Coleman in Battle Axe Costume
Romney Insiders Say He Would Have Focused on Presidency for Two Years and Spent Next Ones Investigating Run for Solar System Saviour
Revealed: In Final Written Statements Hussein Predicted Prolonged Iraq War and Indiana Lottery Numbers
Who needs Nascar and all that flag-waving, country music-loving, good ol' boy right-wing extremist bullshit when you can partake of some nonpartisan human crème brûlée (Miss Tahiti, 1998; Miss France, 1999) with your scale model racetrack songs below? Not me! Or as one enlightened wag on YouTube put it (spoiler alert), "If that skirt was any shorter, I would see a lot more ivy in the background."
Since Boston is so proud of its prestigious arts complex known as the Wang Center, I don't see what's so wrong with what the 70-year old Barbarella said on live national TV early yesterday morning. What's good for the Goose Gossage is good for the gander and all that. However, our readers can decide for themselves below.
In honor of my bloggity brethren, I have been inspired to research, contemplate and bloginate...the cookie. So, without further ado, here are the all time, top 5, greatest cookies of all time! Number 5) The Chrusciki
This delightful Polish confection has been a favorite with the Catholic school girls for generations. Not only are they devilishly sweet, they melt in your mouth like a communion wafer.
Number 4) The porn site cookie
A favorite of an estimated 109,000,000 Americans, this little cyber pastry gets stored in your web browser to make it just that much easier to log onto your favorite porn site, without all the hassle of typing one handed.
Number 3) Carleton Chester "Cookie" Gilchrist
This AFL hall of famer was not only the league's first 1,000 yard rusher in a 14 game season, but he was also an accomplished place kicker and pass blocker for several teams, including my Buffalo Bills. In his spare time he was a relentless advocate and activist in the Civil Rights movement of the 1960's. And (this is rumor) I hear he was quite a knitter.
Number 2) Cookie
I only know her as Cookie. She is a particularly pleasant cocktail waitress at Herb's Pub on Lake Chautauqua near Jamestown, NY. Hubba Hubba!!!
and finally, the number one all time greatest cookie of all time: Number 1) The Nilla Wafer
A known favorite of The Red Man, this tasty little morsel is not only the essence of Americana, it is also quite Proletariat.
Respectfully submitted, Z
PS - To all the girls I've loved before...Happy Valentine's Day.
A quick one from the land of IVDM tonight. First, I'd like to thank R-Lo for unknowingly publishing the 100th posting on our ever growing blog. We apparently have a lot to say, even though some of us waste the space with "Let them Eat Cake"-like cookies...also known as the Fig Newton (I'm looking at you Boston suburb with the nerve to put a cafe in the plans of their new public high school). For those of you similar to R-Lo, who enjoy that Bastille Day special known as the Pecan Sandie, I would also like to recommend other agenda oriented treats such as the cryptic Maoist Chinese food fortune cookie and the ethnically charged Hydrox cookie as it is the covertly Kosher version of the Oreo (very sinister indeed!).
Onto more pressing items. Tonight I'd like to post a segment of Maureen Dowd's op-ed piece about Hillary's chances in the upcoming primaries. In this she quotes the verbal half of Penn and Teller and a new joke in their stage show. From this it is obvious Jillette doesn't think highly of Mrs. Clinton, but he interprets the changes in his audience's repulsed reaction as a sign of trouble for her. Dowd has some doubts. Read it for yourself.
In a webcast, prestidigitator Penn Jillette talks about a joke he has begun telling in his show. He thinks the thunderous reaction it gets from audiences shows that Hillary no longer has a shot. The joke goes: “Obama is just creaming Hillary. You know, all these primaries, you know. And Hillary says it’s not fair, because they’re being held in February, and February is Black History Month. And unfortunately for Hillary, there’s no White Bitch Month.” Of course, jokes like that — even Jillette admits it’s offensive — are exactly what may give Hillary a shot.
Perhaps Jillette is just mad that the Mitt-Orny ticket was never a reality while Jesus Camp actually exists.
Since I ripped off that Masculin Féminin review from one of my other blogs (self-bootlegging at its finest), a small measure of guilt has compelled me to offer you this Intravenus de Milo "exclusive": the trailer from the US rerelease a couple of years back. Note that despite the bouncy soundtrack, French teens were actually prohibited from seeing the film when it first came out because it was deemed too subversive for impressionable young minds. Apparently, there's a petit bourgeois born every minute.
Masculin Féminin (2005 DVD) Directed by Jean-Luc Godard France and Sweden, 1966 In French with English subtitles
I finally got around to watching this celebrated study of mid-'60s Parisian youth culture and was so blown away that I watched it twice in the last couple of weeks to see what I might have missed. Although Chantal Goya's lovely pop songs might make you think things are all fun and games here, they serve as an excellent foil to what is essentially a dark and pessimistic take on the banalities of modern consumerism. Thinking about Godard's work 40+ years after it was made, I'd have to say that this is one of the most "punk rock" directing efforts I've ever seen. Most scenes mix a certain anthropological distance with an in-your-face interrogatory style, and the intertitles and allusions to random violence sprinkled throughout also sport a rather aggressive spraypaint belligerence. Confrontational? Yeah. However, the artistry of the film lies in scenes like the one titled "Dialogue avec un produit de consommation" (Dialogue with a Consumer Product) where a 19-year old beauty queen--wholesome, fetching, more or less totally apathetic--practically gets crucified with a series of uncomfortable questions about politics and sex. If there's no pleasure in watching her get her comeuppance, maybe it's because moments this brutal and seemingly spontaneous reveal characters less "cinematic" than we're used to dealing with on the screen. Superb. (http://www.criterion.com/)
I stumbled across this add on the Internet a little while ago, and all I can say is that everything makes sense now. The Doctor's ultimate ticket -- a Romney/Orny Adams team would be unstoppable. The next stop for Z would have been Romney's Guantanamo II with an extra helping of mean because Orny thinks its funny! Now who's laughing?
In the Valley of Elah (2008 DVD)
